What is sexual orientation?What if I'm not sure what my sexual orientation is?Do I have to have sex to know?Recognizing and accepting that you are gay or lesbianWhy am I gay?Inner conflictComing out of the closetI think I have something to tell you...How do I meet other lesbians and gays?Myths and MisconceptionsFamous homosexualsResources
What is sexual orientation?
Sexual orientation is determined by the sex or sexes you are
romantically,
physically, emotionally, and sexually attracted to. Heterosexuals
are individuals
attracted to the opposite sex, homosexuals are individuals who are
attracted to the
same sex, while bisexuals are people who are attracted to both sexes.
Homosexual
men are usually referred to as gay while homosexual women are
referred to as
lesbians.
What if I'm not sure what my sexual orientation is?
Discovering your sexual orientation can sometimes be confusing.
Most
people don't just wake up one day and decide their sexual
orientation. It takes time
and its normal not to be sure. Experimentation is natural - as long
as you look out
for the safety of yourself and others. You may want to date the
individuals of the
opposite sex or you may decide to date those of the same sex.
Exploration
doesn't determine your sexual orientation, it just helps to discover
your feelings.
Do I have to have sex to know?
No! You don't have to have sex to know if you're heterosexual,
homosexual,
or bisexual. Some people never have sex in their entire life, but
they know their
sexual orientation. It's better to wait until you're emotionally
ready and you find
someone you care about. Sex can create more confusion then it can
resolve.
There are many ways to share intimacy with someone you care about,
such as
talking, spending time together, hugging, kissing, massaging, and
holding hands.
If you decide to have sex, it is important to remember to protect
yourself and your
partner and practice safer sex.
Recognizing and accepting that you are gay or lesbian
Some people recognize that they are homosexual early in their
lives while
others do not become aware of their own gayness until much later in
life due to the
many pressures society puts on us to follow a heterosexual
lifestyle. Unfortunately
our society still teaches us that same sex attractions are negative
and makes it difficult for one to explore his or her own sexuality.
One of the first steps after you recognize that you may be gay or lesbian is self acceptance. Self acceptance is all about feeling good about yourself and comfortable with your own sexuality. This process is sometimes very difficult due to societal pressure. As a result self acceptance may become a life long process as homosexuals try to integrate their life style into an often hostile heterosexual world.
Why am I gay?
You may ask yourself "why am I gay" but no one really knows the
answer to
this question. There are many theories as to why some individuals are
orientated
towards homosexuality rather than heterosexuality but they are only
speculations at
this point in time. Most of these theories follow three approaches: 1)
nature 2) nurture
and 3) a combination of both nature and nurture. The basis behind the nature
theory for homosexuality is that individuals are born with a certain
genetic makeup
which predetermines their homosexual orientation. The nurture theory
believes that
one's environment and experiences can predetermine one's sexual
orientation. Other
scientists believe that homosexuality is a result of both nature and
nurture. The
question you must ask yourself is why is it important to determine why
you are
homosexual? No one asks why heterosexuals are "straight".
Inner conflict...
In the process of discovering your sexual orientation, there are
many feelings
you may experience as you develop self acceptance. Because the world
is still
relatively hostile and prejudice towards gays and lesbians it is not
uncommon to
feel confused, isolated, lonely, guilty or depressed. Unfortunately
many societies
makes us hide our homosexuality and as a result we end up living
double lives and
denying who we really are. Experiencing these feelings is normal.
However, some
feelings like depression, low self esteem and suicide thoughts
indicate you need
some professional help learning to accept your homosexuality.
Coming out of the closet
Coming out of the closet is the term we apply to one's
acceptance that he or
she is gay or lesbian. Self acceptance is the first step in coming
out. After you feel
comfortable with your own sexuality it may become important to you to
tell other
people that are either gay or not gay such as your parents. This
decision is a
process which only you can decide and guide.
You may want and decide to come out to others when you feel you are emotionally ready and feel that it is a safe time. The time to come out to others depends on how strong you feel about yourself and how much support you need from those who care about you. The best person to come out to is someone you trust the most: someone you know will not tell others and someone who will not hurt you. Coming out does provide you with a healthier self esteem as you allow yourself to share your "secret" about your sexual orientation with the people you care about. Just remember that coming out doesn't solve all of your problems and is a life long process.
One thing to keep in mind is that while we would like everyone in the world to be open and accepting, the truth is that there will always be some who don't understand. However, there are also people you can count on - these are the ones to whom you should talk.
I think I have something to tell you...
If you are feeling guilt, fear, or worried about your personal
safety, then it
may not be the right time to come out. If you feel that you are
ready, then there
may be some other things you should consider. If you are thinking of
telling your
family, you may want to think about the following questions
(suggested by Pollack
and Schwartz in their book, The Journey Out - A guide for and about
lesbian, gay,
and bisexual teens):
How well do you know your parents?How close are you to your parents?How comfortable are you with your sexual orientation?How has your family dealt with political, religious, and social
issues in the
past?Is the timing right to come out?Are you economically and emotionally dependent on your parents?How safe are you in your home?Do you have a support system for yourself?How much information do you have, and are you able to share it
with your
parents?Everyone's parents are different. Some parents are accepting and open minded. You have spent your life learning about them - what their values are and how they respond to different issues. In the past you may have shared your feelings with them. You may love your parents but you may have learned not to trust them with personal matters.
You may want to consider when it would be the best to come out to your family. Holidays are usually a stressful and emotional time - and this may not be the best time. If you are hoping to receive financial help for education past high school, then it may be best to wait. You may decide not to tell them at all - this is okay too.
How do I meet other lesbians and gays?
You will find gay and lesbians everywhere - in your math class,
on the
basketball team, at the mall, etc. Some homosexuals have found that
once they
come out to one member of the homosexual community, they are quickly
able to
meet others. Gay and lesbian youth groups and support groups may be
available in
your area. In Nova Scotia, there is the Halifax Lesbian, Gay and
Bisexual Youth
Project. Check out your community to see if there is a youth group in
your area.
There are other resources listed at the end of this article.
Myths and Misconceptions:
Famous homosexuals:
Ashley MacIssac
Alice B. Tolkas
Ellen Degeneres
Gertrude Stein
kd lang
Oscar Wilde
Scott Thompson
Wayve - free resource available at Daily Grind, Reflections, AIDS Coalition, Paperchase, Planned ParenthoodOUTXY - for menCurve - for womensoc.support.youth.gay-lesbian-bi (newsgroup)Gays,
Lesbians, and Bisexual Resources (a link to various
gay/lesbian/bisexual
resources on the net, e.g. AIDS info, newsletters, mailing lists, etc.)Queer Resources Directory (comprehensive gay site)Dr. Blye Frank, 425-4534Jenna Smith, 422-0087, ext. 61, andDarlene M. Young, 461-9443. Other professionals knowledgable with gay and lesbian health care can be found by calling the OUTLine or asking your family doctor.
This page was written by Angela Rogers, Dalhousie Medical School Class of 1999.
Sexual Orientation: More Internet Links
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This page was last modified: March 5, 2001