Hey, see that auld tenement ower thair? Aye the condemned yin thair pu'in' doon the moarn. Weell, when it wiz new, an' ye could even git waher oot o' the taps, a wee lassie lived oan the toap flair. A'buddy ca'd 'er Wee Toaty Rid Ridin' Hewd except fur 'er mammie. Seeminly yin moarnin' she wiz oot oan the road wi' 'er pals, playin' at peevers when 'er muther stuck 'er heid oot the windae an' yelled .... "Faimeeeeeee, cum up here this minit!". (Ye see Faimie wiz 'er right name. Ah dinnae ken whoat a'body ca'd 'er Wee Toaty Rid Ridn' Hewd fur.).
'Aaaaw Maaaaa' yelled the lassie, 'Ah'm no want'n tae; cun ah no stie here an' play at peevery beds?'....'Naw ye' cannae yuh wee nyaff! Noo git up thae stairs afore ah melt ye!'. So up the stairs the wee sowel went. 'See that string bag fu' o' nice things? Ye've tae tak it right tae yer Granny's this very meenit. She's been pewrly an' this'll cheer 'er up...thairs Kielerz jam, Liptunz ham, a poond o' best buher, oarangiz, aipplez, ten Woodbine, an' a wee hauf boahul fur her...noo away ye go wi' it afore ah gie ye a ding oan the lug.'
'But Mammie, itz an awfy long wok tae her wee but an ben in the widz. Ah dinnae want tae go!' DING!!!!! So it wiz thut Wee Toaty Rid Ridin Hood picked up the string bag o' nice things and went tae her grannyz wee but an' ben in the middle o' the widz. She wiz a' crabbit uz she walked along, a' oaf a sudden a voice said...'Hullooo thair, Hen, whair ur ye goin tae wi' that string bag o' goodies?' Right in frunt o' 'er wiz a shewge big wewlf, fur in thae dayz, when tenements wur new, wewlfz cood tok, an' wa'ked like men.
'Ah'm gawn tae muh Granniez' said the wee lassie. 'Aye that'll be the auld ducky whae lives in the but an ben in the widz? It's an awfy long wie tae cairry that big bag, ah'll cairry it fur ye, ye poor wee sowel.' 'Naw ye'll no!' shouted Wee Toaty Rid Ridin' Hewd. 'Git loast yuh dirty grait hairy loon ye!' An awey she wawked by 'ersel'.
But the muckle great wewlf didnae git loast fur he kent a' the shoart cuts roond the closes. Afore ye cewd say 'Auchtermuchtie hooz yer faither' he wiz through the widz, an' chappin' at Granniez door. 'Whaez that' said Granny. 'It's oanly me, ra poastie wi a tulligram' the wewlf answered. Pewr Grannie opened ra door an' afore ye cewd say 'Ah loast ma loaket at Drumnadrochit' that moanster wiz inside the room.
Furst he took Granyz bunnet an' shawl, then he tied 'er up, shoved a hanky in 'er mooth, an' shoved her unner ra bed. He pit oan the shawl an' bunnet an goat Grannyz glesses tae pit oan hiz noaz, then he goat intae the big bed an waited.
It wiznae long afore there wiz a chap ut ra door. 'Iz that yew Hen?' said the wewlf, 'Cum away in, nice tae see ye...ye've nae idea hoo much ah've been sufferin' . So in cam the wee sowel wi' the big string bag o' goodies. 'Cum oan ower tae the bed Hen, ah cannae see ye that weel ower thair.'
So ower came Wee Toaty Rid Ridin' Hood, she hud a look at 'er Grannie. 'Hey Granny, uh didnae ken ye hud such lang hairy pointy ears. Ye're right ugly!' 'That might be right, but ah can hear ye weel enough'. Said the muckle great wewlf in disguise. 'Hey Granny, yer eyes is a' yellie an' bluddshoat', said the wee lassie 'Huv ye been oan that VP wine AGAIN? Is that whoat yer sufferin' fur?' 'Mubbie so but ah cun see ye weel enough.', said the nasty big beast in disguise. 'Hey Granny, see yer teeth? weel ah think thair false yins.' laughed Wee Toaty Rid Ridin' Hewd.
'Hoo did ye ken that?!' sed the wewlf 'Onyhow thair still gewd enuff tae eat yew up! Aye bonez an' a'. Cumeer ye sweet wee sowel.' Ooot o' the bed louped ra wewlf. 'Yuh stupit bamstick ye' ,smil't the toaty wee lass, 'Ah'll huv ye know that ah've goat black belts in judo an' karate, un' ah'm weerin' ma tackety buits under this sweet wee dress. Cumeer yersel ye hairy awld fewl, ah'll gie yew it!'
An she did tae! Flung 'im a' roond the place, stoated 'im aff the roof, the wa's, and the flair afore dauncin' a' ower 'im wi' her tackety bewts. She pu'd Granny oot frae under the bedand cut her loose. 'See yew Granny? Yew git stuck intae yer wee hauf boahle an' ah'll git stuck intae yon muckle wewlf again.' She pu'd him ootside by the tail an swung him roond three times...'Cheerio Pal', she shouted as he shoat intae the sky.'
So Wee Rid Ridin' Hewd an her Granny hud a smashin' time wi a' that jam an Liptunz ham afore they a' lived happily ever after. Whoat aboot ra wewlf? Weel see that Hubble tulliscope thing they've goat? Seemin'ly they saw a long eared hairy thing flyin past it the uther night...thair still arguin' whoat it wiz. Weel, thatz ma story...Coarse itz true, honestly. Be seein' ye Pal.
Copyright (C) 1995; Tom McRae
Published with kind permission of Tom McRae, Brisbane, Australia