Charismatic Church Leader Causes Uproar
Claims was told by God Herself that all religions are "A Crock"

By Scott Upchuk with moral support of Crusty Blanche-Froid

Pastor Anthony Marcocchio at a recent open air mass. Today his Church of God Almighty was trashed and he's a hunted man.

WALKERVILLE, Ont. NP.  Pastor Anthony Marcocchio, the charismatic founder of The Church of God Almighty, a free ranging church that accepts adherents from all religions and faiths, has amassed a radio congregation numbering in the hundreds of thousands and many hundreds more attend his daily prayer meetings in an opulent church provided by contributions from his flock. In the process, Marcocchio has also become a billionaire and owns several lavish estates here and abroad, a stable of racing ponies, and a fleet of yachts more grand than anything Onassis ever owned. But today, everything came tumbling down when he made a startling announcement.

He told several hundred gathered for his daily prayer meeting that he was guilty of misleading them with outrageous claims involving The Almighty. "As I have so many times in the past, you have all come here today expecting me to offer you the word of God. But what God has told me to tell you today will come as a profound shock so please brace yourselves." Then, as his shocked audience listened in disbelief, he delivered the epochal words from the Maker Herself: All religions including The Church of God Almighty are frauds that have misled and deluded the ignorant and credulous since the first human left the trees and began walking upright.

The statement caused an uproar and amid cries of "Lynch the bastard!", several hot-heads began setting fire to the benches and throwing rocks at the cowering pastor who fled the church protected by his bodyguards. After the fire had been put out and the riot squad had restored order, Pastor Marcocchio, who had fled the mobs fury while his church was being trashed, was interviewed by me, Scott, the Pest's occasional reporter on religion. (Crusty was also on hand to offer her moral support.)

While Crusty held the Pastor's hand, I (Scott) interviewed the still shaking Marcocchio. "It happened as I was saying my prayers last night. I had just asked The Lord to please make me a better person, when I heard Her saying, 'Tony you're wasting your time. Get up off your knees and look reality in the face. This is God Herself talking. I'm not a loving Spirit that governs the Universe and watches over everything. I set it all up, sure, but I'm not responsible for anything that goes wrong. Getting the damn Universe goin' was hard enough without having to monitor it endlessly and intervening (which I can't do anyway) when it goes off the rails. The so-called afterlife in Heaven, Hell, or wherever, is a total myth and I hate to say it, but when you're dead, Tony, you're really dead. So please don't bother me anymore and you can tell your congregation what I said and that they should all get a life.'

"That's word for word what She told me, then today at the daily prayer meeting, I told my flock what She had said. I didn't want to tell 'em what I did, but I had to. I had no choice after what She told me. That's when all hell broke loose."

Pastor Marcocchio admitted that things from now on would not be quite the same for him. He still owns his homes, bank account, stables, and so on, but his hold on his wealth is tenuous at best, and the poor fools who ponied up for that wealth, as he said, "will probably be out gunning for me."

When I asked him if he would care to make a 'small contribution' to the Notional Pest's Destitute Husband's Welfare Fund if I wrote a sympathetic piece about him, the huddled and trembling Mr. Marcocchio suddenly showed a different side to his character. His manner turning suddenly hostile he got to his feet and shouted: "Get outta here you slimey sonofabitch!  And take this goofy dame with you!" Crusty and I know when a Man of God is pissed off, so we got the fuck out of there without saying good-bye. Neither Crusty nor I can stand violence.

Notional Pest