War On Terrorism

Brits to Award Honorary Knighthood To Mayor Giuliani—Other World Leaders Being Considered

Ottawa, 15 Oct. The office of Prime Minister Chrétien announced today that the PM would not accept an honorary knighthood like the one being offered to Mayor Giuliani of New York. Mayor Giuliani's unparalleled leadership of New Yorkers during the aftermath of the World Trade Center attacks received praise from around the world. Other leaders such as Prime Minister Chrétien and US President Bush are also said to be under consideration. In previous conflicts, President Bush's father received an honorary knighthood as did Colin Powell and ex-President Reagan. 

The Prime Minister is said to be privately 'delighted' that he is being considered but feels that it would not be appropriate at this time. The main problem is Mr. Chrétien's vigorous opposition to Conrad Black's elevation to the peerage and a seat in the British House of Lords. The 'optics' would not look good, said a PMO spokesperson. "Canada is a democratic nation that believes in the equality of all persons. Singling out one person in the Liberal Party for an award of excellence from a foreign power is not constitutional under our laws," she said. Another problem is that the PM feels he would look silly going around calling himself "Sir Jean." Unlike Americans honorees, who cannot use the "Sir" (though allowed to include KBE after their name), Canadians being members of the Commonwealth, would be under no such restriction.

Chrétien Offers Military Support To Coalition Against Terrorism

Ottawa, 8 Oct.  At a press conference Sunday, The Prime Minister vowed that all kinds of military support will be offered to the British American Task Force that is fighting bin Laden and the terrorists based in Afghanistan.

HMCS Bonaventure Guarded Canada in '60sMr. Chrétien has ordered the Chief of Defence Staff to conduct a full review of Canada's military capabilities and promised that when this is done, "Dose guys runnin' aroun' in bed sheets and funny-lookin' hats will see dat Ca-na-da means business."  Asked by a reporter what naval forces would be deployed, Mr. Chrétien said "we 'ave destroyer an' 'elicopter on aircraft carrier an' tons of ammo dat will show dem we are not foolin' aroun'." 

This reporter (Sid Blank from the Notional Pest) asked the Prime Minister how he could offer anything but token support to the Americans in view of his government's criminal neglect of the Armed Forces since he took office in 1993. Also that Canada's aircraft carrier, HMCS BONAVENTURE, was decommissioned in 1969 and then sold to a scrap dealer in Hong Kong. Mr. Chrétien appeared visibly angry. "Dat kind of talk does not represent what Ca-na-da stands for. We are being multicultural country dat de UN is saying is de bes' in de worl' ". Mr.Chrétien was then asked about the Liberal Policy Paper that apparently sets forth the government's virtual approach to The War on Terrorism. (see next story). At that, the PM's eyes narrowed and drilled into this reporter. But before he could get my neck in a hammer lock, the Press Secretary said the press conference was over and Mr. Chrétien was hustled off the stage by several burly security bodyguards.

Canada Set To Provide Unlimited Virtual Support To War On Terrorism

OTTAWA, Oct. 7. A Top Secret Strategy paper on the Liberal Party's virtual approach to the War on Terrorism was obtained by an agent of the Notional Pest. A well chewed, dog eared copy of the paper was given to the Notional Pest's Sidney Blank by an informant in the PMO's office under cover of a thick fog that enveloped Parliament Hill over the weekend. Some of the highlights:

  • Take all diplomatic steps necessary to ensure that whenever President Bush makes a major statement about America's New War Against Terrorism that Canada is specifically named as part of the coalition. Being after UK is OK, but insist we come before Australia.. Remind Colin Powell that we have LOTS of energy resources that the USA needs.
  • Flood media with shots of a determined and angry looking PM entering his limousine enroute to or exiting from an important meeting somewhere with several important officials.
  • Flood media with TV clips of Defence Minister Art Eggleton announcing in a firm voice that Canada's Armed Forces have never been in better shape.
  • Flood media with TV clips of Armed Forces Head, General Whatsisname, announcing in a firm voice that Canada's Armed Forces have never been in better shape.
  • Flood media with TV clips of a personnel carrier filled with camouflaged troops (of both genders) moving over difficult terrain (Arctic tundra OK but sand dunes, better). Make sure Maple Leaf is prominently displayed on uniforms and from carrier's AM/FM antenna. Show clips of Sea King helicopter picking up fishers from life raft. (Make sure clip doesn't include Sea King itself ditching after rotor blade falls off). 
  • Have Snowbirds conduct frequent low level passes over heavily populated areas (show vapor trails but no stunts—they have to look serious). This will show our air force's capabilities..
  • Announce that until Parliament resumes sitting after its Thanksgiving break, selected MPs, including a few opposition MPs, will be kept abreast of the developing international situation. When the House re-sits, calm nation's fears by announcing that a full debate will be held with the Prime Minister himself telling the nation what he has decided to do.
Chrétien Considers Cabinet Shuffle In Wake of Manley's Comments

OTTAWA, 6 Oct. According to Notional Pest agents, the Prime Minister is considering a cabinet shuffle in wake of John Manley's remarks that Canada is not pulling its weight internationally. In a revealing interview the Foreign Affairs Minister said that Canada always talks big at international gatherings but when the waiter brings the bill, Canada slips out to the washroom.

Although Manley was quick to absolve Chrétien of having any responsibility whatsoever for our international image of being impotent and ineffective and our leaders as self-satisfied blowhards, the Prime Minister is reported to be furious that one of his ministers would admit that the Liberal Party over which he has dictatorial control would admit that it has ever made even the slightest mistake.

The Prime Minister isn't saying, but the word is out that Mr. Manley will be soon turfed out of Foreign Affairs and into some low profile job such as Associate Deputy Minister for Office Supplies. In his place Chrétien would like to put Lloyd Axworthy back in his old post in Foreign Affairs but Mr. Axworthy, known as the champion of  "soft power", has not yet answered the call. Other names, including some outside the government, are also being considered. Well known Canadian antiglobalists such as Maude Barlow, Lynda McQuaig and Murray Dobbin are rumored to be 'interested' but, so far, have yet to receive a call from the Prime Minister.

Prime Minister Holds Strategy Meeting With Other World Leader

Chretien and Geo. W. Bush outside White HouseJean Chretien offers 'tanks' to a doubtful Geo. Bush outside the White House, last week 

WASHINGTON, Oct.1  At a somewhat confused gathering of the two heads of state yesterday, Jean Chrétien said, "De USA can count on Can-a-da to give wid open arm and much free advice in dere fight against terism. An I wanna state dat we offer a tousand tanks to our bes' fren dat is being sout' of de border." 

The President, surprised that Canada could provide anything in the way of military hardware in the War Against Terrorism, responded by thanking the Prime Minister, but didn't think that the USA could use the 1,000 tanks "right now". 

After the meeting, the Prime Minister had to rush back to Toronto for a Liberal Party fund raiser, which prevented his taking the time to view Ground Zero in New York. Later, the Canadian Ambassador to the USA explained that Mr. Chrétien had been advised to stay away from the WTC disaster site as the scene was already confusing enough. Furthermore, the Prime Minister offered 'thanks' not 'tanks', and that the President fully understands how the confusion arose.