Gourmet Actor Sues Élite Restaurant
for "Gross Incompetence."

By Jan Wang, Food and Arts Editor

Hannibal Lecter appears in new flic 'STOCKWELL'Hannibal Lecter appears in latest horror flic, STOCKWELL

NEW YORK, N.Y. (NP) Hannibal Lecter, noted actor and gourmet, fell violently ill recently after eating lunch at an upscale New York restaurant, Mange-tu la tête complet. Mr. Lecter claims that the restaurant failed to follow his standing orders regarding preparation of his favourite dish month old cadaver brains sautéed in elephant ejaculate. This dish, his main luncheon staple for years, was from unauthorized sources, claims Mr. Lecter, who is suing for $100-million. In his suit, Mr. Lecter charges the restaurant with "gross incompetence and criminal negligence causing bodily harm and injured feelings".

After lunching at the restaurant Mr. Lecter claims he experienced severe nausea, which he blamed on the food he had just eaten. He was rushed to Mt. Sinai Medical Center where his stomach contents were pumped out and examined by forensic experts. Mr. Lecter in his suit claims that the forensic evaluation revealed that his meal had contained parts of a human neonatal cortex as well as strands of upper neck spinal cord. This indicated that it had been prepared from a cadaver that had died in less than wholesome conditions. 

His suit also claimed that the sauce used was not from an African but rather from an Asian elephant where the Hindu keepers induce ejaculation by mechanical rather than 'natural' means. Pressed for details, Mr. Lecter's attorney claimed that mechanical ejaculation is induced by ten Hindus working feverishly in unison. This is done after the elephant has been out in the hot sun all day working hard moving giant hardwood logs about. The resulting sauce has a flat tartness that is "lacking in spontaneity and totally incompatibi\le with the standards that Mr. Lecter insists upon." 

Mr. Lecter was released later in the day and in the company of his attorney, Melvin Bellow, returned to his apartment in Manhattan.

There have been rumours circulating that some high end restaurants like Mange-tu, which specialize in exotic meals based on sweetbreads and cranial contents, have lowered their standards by accepting cadavers from uncertified sources. FBI sources say that entrepreneurs in Brazil and other Latin American countries are cutting down executed felons from gibbets and selling their body parts to an international ring of corpse smugglers.

A spokesman for the restaurant hotly denied suggestions that they had used body parts from deceased drifters and crack house addicts or from foreign cadavers. There is a large underground trade in such parts many of which are imported illegally from South America.  "All ingredients used in the preparation of dishes for our special clientele are from carefully selected local sources and certified Grade A by New York City health inspectors," he said.

Notional Pest

A Man of 'Many Parts'
Actor, food columnist, epicure

By Crusty Blanche-Froid with Jan Wang

Mr. Lecter, who is recovering in his Manhattan apartment, in addition to writing a regular food column for Gastronomie, has appeared in many Hollywood movies over the years. Most of these, while critically acclaimed, did not do well at the box office. However, his acting career took an enormous boost when he appeared in two horror movies that were hugely profitable.

The first of these, The Remains of Mr. Day, was the story of an incompetent and shallow politician, Anthony Stockwell, who believes in Creationism and writing slanderous letters to newspapers. Despite his youth and a flashy style, the politician has little substance. The sequel, STOCKWELL, is a gruesome depiction of  the same politician and his colleagues who spend their days in endless bickering over misrepresentation and campaign contributions, and end up devouring their young.

While these two movies have had enormous success with the public, critics have accused Mr. Lecter of being too keen to prostitute his skills to mammon rather than concentrate on developing his undoubted talents as a serious actor. 

Notional Pest.