Hot business leader
Soon the Bill Gates of Junk Food 

By Scott Upchuk

Head of Koch-Teazer GmbHBeautiful public-school dropout heads giant world conglomerate

HALIFAX.  (NP) Moira Teazer looks like a fashion model, but in real life she heads a HUGE corporation, Koch-Teazer GmbH. The Belgian based trillion dollar conglomerate specializes in buying up companies all over the world. Moira, 19, who left school at nine years of age before completing grade 8, started out as a $2.75 an hour counter gal in a Dunkin' Donuts in Spryfield, a working-class suburb of Halifax.

According to John Updyke, her biographer, her life story is one of mystery and continuing speculation. Her amazing career began one dark and dreary day while she worked in a coffee shop in Halifax. On that day, a fabulously wealthy but reclusive Belgian financier named Marc Koch was about to fly out of Halifax after buying up all of Nova Scotia's 105 laundromats to add them to the famous Suds-R-Us chain, of which there over 4,000 franchises in the U.S. and Europe. 

Before catching his private A300 Airbus to return to Brussels, Mr. Koch stopped off for a coffee in a fast-food on Spryfield's busy Herring Cove Road. Spryfield folk-lore has it that as Ms. Teazer was serving Mr Koch his fourth doughnut and fifth cup of java,  the two struck up a conversation. It began when he asked her how he could get to the airport. That was in early 1998.

Three years later, the gorgeous Ms. Teazer heads a vast conglomerate of interlocking business interests that span the globe. The latest acquisitions are rumoured to be all the major North American food franchises including McDonald's, Harvies, Wendy's, Dunkin' Donuts, Burger King, Tim Hortons, and Harvey's. If the deal goes through, there is no information on what name the junk food outlets would operate under and whether they would all fly the Koch-Teazer banner. All that is known is that Ms Teazer will head the gigantic corporation.

Ms Teazer, would not consent to an interview for this article. Apparently she lives alone with thousands of cats in a twenty million dollar penthouse apartment in New York, which is unique in having not only a private airfield but also an in-house marina where ocean-going yachts and refuse barges can tie up. It is rumoured she sees few visitors though it is known that the equally reclusive Mr. Koch, while visiting the U.S., has been seen slipping in and out of the heavily guarded complex, often late at night.

Ms. Teazer is not known to have any romantic entanglements and steadfastly refuses to make any comment on her life, whatsoever. This refusal to speak to reporters on any subject is what gives her a mystique that rivals that of Madonna, Hedy Fry, or even Boy George. The only exception was Mr. Updyke who claims that she granted him a 15 minute interview while he was preparing his 500 - page biography about the reclusive and mysterious trillionairess. During their brief meeting, she refused to answer all of his questions, including the one on everyone's lips: is she still a virgin? To this and every question she would only say, "My whole life revolves around being Koch-Teazer."

Scott Upchuk for Notional Pest;