Taliban Have 'Smart' Bullets  — Did They Get Them From Iraq? —  CIA Furious The Enemy Has Them Too

WASHINGTON, 29 Oct. The US military have 'smart' bombs and other hi-tech ordnance that can deliver lethal killing power to an enemy with pin-point accuracy. For instance, a smart bomb that is released at high altitude will seek out and destroy a concentration of tanks that is only fifty feet away from an elementary school full of kids. Nine times out of ten, the smart bomb find its target without harming a hair on the head of any kid in the school. But though Pentagon scientists have been able to come up with a workable model of a smart bullet that will accomplish the same result at short range, up to now Bush and his team are reluctant to use it. Now, the news that the Taliban evidently have such a weapon is causing panic and concern in Washington (see story and opinion piece below). 

Pentagon weapons designers have succeeded in packing the necessary hi-tech sensors into the business end of a bullet, which is a thousand times smaller than the much bulkier smart bombs. The news that the Taliban evidently are in possession of similar smart bullets has caused mounting concern in America that our side may not use them. Maj. Gen. Brad Shuttlebeam, Head of Army Ordnance, Lethal Weapons Development, at Williamsburg, Virginia, said Congress has voted his facility $2.5 billion for a crash 'smart bullet' production program but the Administration won't release the funds until Ramadan is over. 

At a news conference, Gen. Shuttlebeam wondered aloud how the Ignorant Taliban mullahs have the scientific expertise to develop such a bullet. "Don't take my remarks to be those of an insensitive racist," he said, "but bearded guys that run around in turbans and bed sheets just haven't got the smarts. Obviously, their bullets are made in a country that has the technical know-how. "I'd bet my royal American ass that Iraq's Saddam Hussein is behind their development."

On Sunday last, six masked men on motorbikes broke into St. Dominic's, Bahawalpur's only Christian church to give the new smart bullets their first major test. After bolting the door, they sprayed the congregation with Kalashnikovs firing the new smart bullets. The bullets worked exactly as designed. The 'marksmen' only had to press their guns' triggers, then the smart bullets, programmed to kill only non-Muslims regardless of age, sex, or facial adornment, effortlessly and with 100% accuracy, found their mark. 27 Christian men, women and children died in the spray of bullets but not one Muslim was killed, at least not directly. A Muslim guard apparently also died in the attack, but it seems he had been crouching behind a Christian woman when the shooting started and he died when the bullet that killed the woman passed through her body into his.

Mohamad Sami Yousef Al-Muhajiroun, Head of the Taliban's Terror Weapons Development Program, hailed the "complete" success of the first operational test of the new smart bullet. The designer is said to be a Muslim cleric whose laboratory is an unmarked cave 10,000 ft.inside a mountain somewhere in Afghanistan. To CNN reporter, Leslie Stahl, reporting via satellite, Mr. Muhajiroun boasted, "The West now can see that Arabs are more inventive than Infidels. We invented the alphabet, astronomy, and Islam, the only true religion. Now under the Guidance of Allah, our scientists have developed a smart bullet while American pig-eating engineers were busy designing machines of the Devil to flood the Internet with pornography. Wait 'till our freedom fighters start spraying around a few thousand smart bullets in a hundred crowded malls in the Heart of America. Allah will guide each bullet until there is not an Infidel left alive."

It is well known that US weapons engineers have already developed a Western version of the smart bullet but they have been ordered by Bush to delay going into mass production until the Holy month of Ramadan is over with. By the faint mustache of my sainted mother, that is utter bullshit! Personally, every day during Ramadan I'm going to [...unrepeatable...] at least one cave-dwelling, bed-sheet wearer into a [...unrepeatable...] and blow his [...unrepeatable...] head off!  While these murderous fanatics destroy the heart of a great city, create mass hysteria with anthrax-laced letters, and threaten God knows what new horrors, our side is paralyzed by stupid concerns over the religious sensitivities of our enemy! 

This is no time to be pussyfooting through a minefield for Chrissakes!. America has to gear up for total war and not hold back! Let's show our determination by dispatching NOW a few million tent wearers directly into Paradise without making any stops in high-rise buildings on the way! We know these smart bullets work. Israel has been testing prototypes we send them with our regular arms shipments and they are highly effective against stone-throwing Palestinians. The proof is the Arab/Jew death ratio since Arafat started the Intifada. While we're at it, it would be wise to dust off a few nukes moldering away in various American nuclear storage facilities. If Osama and his merry men manage to figure out how to smuggle one of their suitcase nukes into American cities, we might just need to reciprocate with a few 'thank you' notes of our own

Chrétien Mocks Joe's Shaking When Asking A Question During Debate

OTTAWA, Ont., Nov 6. In an unusually candid exchange of views about their political opponents' physical characteristics, Mr. Chrétien led off the exchange with a frank appraisal of Joe Clark's shaking hands when he asks questions in the House of Commons. The Prime Minister's comments came after NDP leader, Alexa McDonough, suggested that Pierre Pettigrew, the Trade Minister, always flips his golden locks like a starlet just "arising from the 'casting couch' " when he attempts to answer questions relating to softwood lumber agreements.

"Mr. Speaker, some are not having long hair to shake a lot as wid de leader of de turd party, who I tink will be up soon and we will be seeing his hands shake like he is holding jack hammer breaking up concrete covering bodies at Groun' Zero in New York," the Prime Minister said.

At the PM's remark, the Liberal front benchers, cackling with glee at the PM's wit, stood and gave him a standing ovation, though two back-benchers, who evidently had taken sensitivity training, remained in their seats and covered their faces with their hands at this latest gaffe by their leader.

The Conservative leader responded by suggesting that he shakes with excitement because polls tell him that it will not be long before he will be standing in the same place where the prime minister is now standing. "And I would like to add, Mr Speaker, that the prime Minister is no position to be making fun of me. Whenever he open his twisted mouth, looking like he'd just sucked up a mouthful of rancid poutine, we all know what emerges will be stupid, insensitive, and mostly irrelevant to the issue at hand."

Francis Ducros, the Prime Minister's director of communications, said that the Prime Minister's remarks had been misunderstood and he was only "expressing his ongoing surprise at Joe Clark's ongoing righteous indignation that Canada wasn't doing more to support the US in its War on Terrorism." 

For her part, Alexa McDonough, whose remark about Pierre Pettigrew kick-started the prime minister said, "I was just making an honest and friendly suggestion that he get a hair cut since it makes him look far too handsome for a Liberal." She wondered why everybody in the Commons couldn't just be nicer to each other. "It would be a good idea if we turned the business of this House over to a panel of international jurists under the auspices of the United Nations." 

Chrétien Mocks Lord Black of Crossharbour at Liberal Halloween Party In Ottawa

OTTAWA, Nov. 1. Jean Chrétien caused an international furor yesterday that threatened to break apart the fragile anti-Taliban alliance of great and not so great powers assembled to fight the War on Terrorism. Last evening the Liberal caucus of Prime Minister Jean Chrétien held a Halloween party on Parliament Hill. While the rest of the caucus came dressed as traditional goblins and ghosts, the Prime Minister chose to come as 'Lord Cretin', in an apparent mockery of the investiture in London earlier that same day of Chrétien's arch-enemy, Conrad Black, as Lord Black of Crossharbour.

His wig askew and his face screwed up into Mr. Chrétien's idea of a puffed-up Mr. Black, Mr. Chrétien's appearance at the Halloween Party created a huge sensation and he had his colleagues laughing so hard that according to Herb Gray (dressed as Little Bo Peep), several senior ministers almost relieved themselves on the spot. No photographers were allowed into the party, but a Notional Pest reporter disguised as Geo. Bush in a Devil costume, managed to sneak in and snap the only picture taken at the party. Its release today has caused an uproar and The British High Commissioner has demanded an apology from the prime Minister for mocking the House of Lords, a sacred British Institution.

"What's da matter?" said a surprised Prime Minister when informed that the British government was threatening to oust Canada from the Commonwealth just as it did South Africa years ago over its apartheid policies. "Are de Brits not having sense of humour? Don't dey see dat dere House of Lord is big farce and cruel joke on British peoples?  All dose struttin' Lords dressed up in silly costume who are in dere because dey are being born in some fancy castle!" he said.

"Like Ca-na-da dey should have Senate dat is being a democratic institution elected by de peoples. I am elected by de peoples and den I put in dere de peoples de peoples want. Dat is what democracy is all about," he said.

Sex Aid a Terrorist Threat? — Female Passenger Suing Air Canada

Ottawa, Oct 28. During a pre boarding security check a woman was forced to demonstrate that a dildo she carried in her carry-on luggage was not a bomb or weapon that could be used to take over the flight. 

The middle-aged woman, who refused to be identified, said that she also carried a laptop computer and a cell phone and that she had demonstrated to a guard that she knew how to turn them on and that she knew how to operate them. But when the security guard looked in her handbag and spotted a dildo, he asked her to pick it out of the bag and turn it on, too.

The woman asked the guard, "Are you serious?" The guard repeated his instructions and the woman, now furious, did as she was ordered. Security personnel and passengers still waiting to go through security watched in fascination as the woman held up the pink, foot-long, battery-operated device and switched it on. As it gyrated, quivered and revolved, onlookers some with small children with parents' hands clapped over their eyes, watched spellbound as the aid to lonely women everywhere went through its paces.

The woman engaged a lawyer immediately her flight landed in Halifax. James Cocks (no relation) ridiculed the actions of the security guards in Ottawa. "My client will sue Air Canada up to their very eyeballs," he said. "Don't these people have any discretion and are they completely bereft of common sense? Can you imagine my client, 50,000 feet over Maine pulling the dildo out of her bag and running through the 'plane shouting, "I'm taking over this airplane and I'll sodomize anyone who tries to stop me!"

Robert Milton, the President of Air Canada, who has his own problems while attempting to sodomize the taxpayers of Canada to cough up a multi-billion dollar bailout of his troubled airline, had no comment to make at this time.

O. J. Simpson Opens New Family Counselling Business

LOS ANGELES, Oct. 27. Fresh from his acquittal on road rage charges, O. J. Simpson announced today that the opening of his new Family Counseling Office will go ahead as planned. Mr. Simpson, who has been involved in situations where anger management was needed said, "everything I have learned about handling stressful situations has gone into the development of my new program to help married couples that are at war with themselves."

Mr. Simpson said that the first thing for the men to do is to develop their bodies so they can better cope with physical intimidation from their wives and their wives' boyfriends, and with police when they arrive upon the scene. The women, for their part, should avoid going out to lunch at secluded restaurants where they might meet men more attractive than their husbands and thereby start the vicious ball rolling." 

But the best technique that Mr. Simpson will stress during the counseling sessions is for each warring member, should he or she ever have to face the justice system for whatever crimes they may be charged with, "to align yourself with a minority group that feels intimidated by the rest of society. It's best if you are a member of that minority group, but, whatever, make sure you identify with them and they with you. Above all, make sure your lawyer is a member of that group and that he is clever enough to manipulate the system so that the jury comprises mostly females from that same group."

New Polls Reveal That Canadians Are Equally Divided On How To Deal With Terrorism

Toronto, Ont., Oct. 19. Two new polls released today show that, as always, Canadians are ambivalent on issues that don't seem to seriously impact on Canada, such as airliners used as guided missiles, or deadly biological agents spread among the general population by terrorists. 

A poll released yesterday by Angus Reid and taken on Sunday, involved 1,025 randomly selected Canadians intercepted on their way to church, synagogue, or mosque. They were asked what they would do if they were caught in an airliner that has been taken over by hijackers. 51.7% said they would prefer to hit Toronto's CN Tower rather than be shot down by F18 jets on orders from the Prime Minister. 36.9% said they would prefer that the issue be referred to the UN's Special Committee on Terrorism, while 13.4% said they would try to talk the hijackers out of it by appealing to their sense of fair play. The usual 10% "didn't know" what they'd do except maybe use their cell phones to call home to say goodbye.

Another poll released by Ipso Facto showed that the anthrax scare in the US has a serious implication for Canada in that the country seems to be evenly divided on what to do if word got out that anthrax spores were mixed with sugar used by popular coffee shop chains. 51.9% of 1.025 respondents who regularly stop off for a coffee and perhaps a doughnut on their way to work, said they would stop having their morning pick-me-up at McDonald's; 29.6% said they would discontinue stopping for Tim bits at Tim Horton's. 12.8% said that the never take sugar in their coffee or eat doughnuts so that they would continue to stop for coffee wherever it's convenient.

The polls are considered accurate within half a percentage point, nineteen times out of twenty.

To the question: To what degree are you pissed off with the way things are going? a new Angus Reid poll shows 51.6 % of Canadians are either 'mildly pissed off' or 'seriously pissed off '

Sept. 10. Only a tiny fraction, 2.3 percent, are 'not pissed off about anything'. 45.83 percent were unsure of their state of pissedness. A full analysis of the things that piss off everybody is now being demographically prepared by Notional Pest analysts who are really pissed off that they have to give up their weekend to prepare the poll results. Look for the full survey in a future issue!

Increasing Restraint On Both Sides Offers Hope For Mid-East Peace

Sept. 8  Evidence of restraint by Palestinians and Israelis and with each group now willing to see the other side's point-of-view offers hope that the Palestinian/Israeli conflict will soon end. For its part, during the weekend, Israel levelled only three Palestinian police stations and sent rockets into only two apartment buildings in which fifty-five women and children were killed. Ariel Sharon said the attacks were because the Israeli defence forces had reason to believe terrorists might be hiding in the buildings. During the weekend, Palestinians reciprocated the Israeli peace feelers by sending only three suicide bombers into, respectively, a crowded Jerusalem bus station, a teen-age disco joint, and an orphanage. These attacks killed a total of only fourteen including the bombers and five children.

"We'll see if this (Israeli restraint) works," said Ariel Sharon, who expressed hope that Shimon Peres and Yasser Arafat can maybe someday meet and work something out, providing, "Arafat realizes that killing Israelis will not bring peace." For his part, Arafat said that he welcomes the Israeli peace initiative and that in response he'll advise the Arab suicide bombers to "tone down" their attacks. "I'm sure that soon the turmoil will end and we'll all be living at peace with each other," he said.

IRA Promises To Have A 'Real' Weapons Decommissioning Plan In Place By Easter, 2010.

Sept. 6  "It's a breakthrough!" cry Ulster Loyalists. "It's what we've been waiting for!" With this announcement made by Gerry Adams of Sinn Fein, it is expected that the level of violence in Northern Ireland will decrease markedly. In response to this major concession, Militants of the Ulster Freedom Fighters, an offshoot of the UDF, promised they will reciprocate by reducing the amount of explosives in their cherry bombs so that fewer Catholic kids on their way to school in Protestant neighbourhoods will be hurt badly or even much terrorized.

Canadian General John deChastelain, the decommissioning authority, will have almost nine years to work out the details of the exciting new IRA proposal. After hearing of the plan Saturday night from a pub confidente in Belfast, he said it offers 'new hope' that the bloodshed will come to an end during his lifetime. "I am certain that within such a time frame we will be able to iron out all the bugs and make sure all the tees are crossed and the eyes dotted. I just hope I don't die first," he said.

Chrétien Say's He May Retire In Two Years But Tinks He May Run For A Fourth Majority Government

Sept. 5.  Jean Chrétien says he may retire in two years time but admits he’s ‘tinking about’ staying on to win a fourth majority government. Brian Tobin, Paul Martin, Allan Rock, et al, are said to be ecstatic that ‘da boss’ will stick around to provide direction and leadership guidance the three top potential Liberal leadership contenders crave. Paul Martin, for example, doesn’t think he yet has the polish and gravitas to take on the top job and would like to stay in the top financial portfolio until he gains a more thorough understanding of double-entry bookkeeping..

Brian Tobin is “too busy” right now to think about running for the leadership as he wants to “finish the job of bringing hi-speed Internet service to every man, woman and child in Canada.” He enlarged on this theme Sunday when at a Church service in Ottawa he interrupted proceedings by delivering an impromptu lesson to the kneeling worshippers. Telling the congregation that they "must get off their knees, stand proud, and be more like Americans," he took the occasion to announce that he has yet another grand scheme in the works. "No Canadian, no matter where he or she lives, will be farther than ten kilometers from a major airport or at least a helicopter launching pad. Canadians will be the most connected people on earth before I’m finished with them,” he said. The congregation  gave him a standing ovation. 

Mr. Rock said he is not interested in becoming Prime Minister until he has completed the job of completely eradicating any possibility that Canadians will be able to light up (cigarettes). He says he will do that by driving tobacco companies into the ground. “I want to make smoking (tobacco) illegal but I can’t do that with my present powers. It will have to wait until I become PM. Meanwhile I will just concentrate on placing so many restrictions on tobacco use that the companies will give up and go out of business,” he said.

Another potential contender for the leadership, Sheila Copps, has a strong base of voter support in her native Hamilton riding but apart from Banff, Alberta, where she is roundly loathed, is largely unknown in the rest of Canada. Furthermore, she tends to hide her light under a bushel. After the PM’s announcement she expressed her ‘great pleasure’ noting Mr. Chrétien has been helping her develop her oratorical skills in both official languages. Also, “he’s been helping me to conquer my shyness and get me out of my shell,” she said.

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