Long Second Toes Indicators Of Criminals, Study Finds.
"Stay away from them" Anthropologist 

Alarming study gives support to movement advocating euthanizing 
babies born with physical and mental abnormalities.

By Crusty Blanche-Froid

Autopsy shot of serial killer Agçar Btsvestic's right foot. Second toe was 76 mm. longer than big toe. Illinois State Prison photo.

DES MOINES, Iowa. A new study by the Forensic Infant Studies Laboratory at Des Moines University has conducted a far-ranging anthropological study involving thousands of humans of both genders and found a disturbing correlation between the length of a person's second toes and serial killing.

Dr. Lizbeth Maybe, director of the study said that a toe length analysis of 14, 826 infants born in both the United Kingdom and the USA since 1960, shows that those who were born with long second toes often scored high marks in school and did well in aptitude tests. Unfortunately, as adults they also tended to be far more represented in death rows and in psychiatric facilities for the criminally insane than babies born with normal toe architecture. Asked what 'normal' meant in these circumstances she said it meant those born with second toes shorter than their big toes. Such people, "represent more than ninety percent of the adult population."

The study published today in The Journal of the American Medical Society, showed that LST babies, who represent about 0.5 percent of all births, had second toes an average of 76 mm. longer than their big toes. "At 5, 10, and twenty years of age, those with LST demonstrated significant deficit in behavioural characteristics such as bed-wetting, holding their breath to get their way, and bringing hand guns to school," said Dr. Maybe, the author of the JAMA report.  She noted that Clifford Olsen and Ted Bundy, both infamous serial killers, had this abnormality. As a further example, she referred to the recent execution of Agçar Btsvestic in Illinois, a serial killer with typical abnormal toe architecture (photo). "I would like to examine the toe architecture of some famous people, especially certain politicians that demonstrate behaviour typical of LST people in our studies. Unfortunately, I have received no co-operation from neither the White House nor the offices of the Prime Ministers of the UK and Canada." 

Dr. Maybe said that more studies of human physiognomy are needed, including cranium bumps and crevasses and other physical characteristics such as distance between the eyes and ear and nose shapes. She feels that the results so far reinforce the view that babies born with physical and mental abnormalities should be 'nullified' at birth using humane and widely accepted practices of the medical profession. "Think how much crime could be avoided and how everyone's tax bill could be reduced," she said. "Dr. Kervorkian received a lot of bad publicity because of his well intentioned program to remove those at the end of the age scale who want out and, anyway, have ceased to be productive. I want to do the same at the start of the life cycle before those who would certainly be misfits can even begin to be a burden on society."

Ms. Maybe says that she doubts her findings will cause an epidemic of 'toe spotting', at which people have their footwear ripped off and their bare feet brutally inspected by self-appointed 'toe inspectors'. She discounts tales of  vigilante groups toe troopers a few of which are said to roam downtown Des Moines after dark and accost anyone who is shod in footwear that conceals toe length. "If you're normal. just wear sandals without socks," she advises. Dr. Maybe does not approve of a plan spearheaded by Ohio State Senator Orville Wright who wants to force the tattooing in a "conspicuous place" of people possessing abnormal toe lengths. The difficulty, she says is that people with toe lengths in the normal range can appear to be abnormal if the second toe is flattened out and the big toe is pulled back. "There is a grey area in toe length and we have to be careful not to sweep up too many innocent people in my crusade to rid the world of the pedally imperfect," she said. 

Mr. Bush, Mr. Blair and Mr. Chretien refused to return Pest calls for their reaction to Dr. Maybe's announcement concerning LST and politicians.