Americans nearer to God than Canadians?

CALGARY. (NP)  The release of a wide-ranging study on Ethics, God, Sex, and Intelligence, has tossed the academic world into a whirlwind of gyrating and spinning controversies. The study, done by The National Citizens Coalition in collaboration with The Canadian Council of Concerned Canadians, has come to some startling conclusions that have right-wing pundits screeching with indignation. Left-wing activists like Mel Hurtig and Maude Barlow are saying, “I told you so.”

Other pundits, those in the the middle of the socialist spectrum, are too stunned to comment. As one said, "I don't know whether my arse is punched, reemed, or eaten out by maggots."

Dr. David Suzukki (no relation to Dr. David Suzuki who spells his name with just one k) of the University of British Columbia's Bio-Ethics Department of Tenured Professors, said the study is “interesting” but that he feels it’s conclusions must be carefully weighed before corrective action is undertaken.

Dr. Suzukki said, “Yes, it is probably true that Americans are more religious and closer to God than Canadians, but that is to be expected. It is a little-known fact that the Continental USA on average is four feet higher than Canada.” Asked if he meant in elevation above sea level or in moral altitude, he said, “Both. This is true even taking Rosedale in Toronto and Rockwell Heights in Ottawa into consideration.”

Never at a loss to explain anything, Professor Suzukki had a less convincing explanation for the reputed greater sexiness of American women. “It probably has a lot to do with the prominence given to men for whom certain women display characteristics intended to elicit an amorous response. Prominent guys like Donald Trump and  President Clinton often appear in public with women falling all over them. When the pictures get in the Features Section of the New York Times, statisticians conclude that the women involved are probably as sexy as they come.”

When it was pointed out that the same pictures often appear in widely-distributed Canadian publications such as The Canadian Mortician Review and The Canadians Bee Keepers Journal, Professor Suzukki agreed but said , “They aren’t read by as many people as the Times.  On the other hand,” he said in a rare admission of fallibilty, “maybe I’m just full of shit.”

Professor Suzukki was on surer ground when he was asked about the study's finding that piety and intelligence are inversely related. The more pious the person is, the closer he/she is to a moron. “For instance, I’m a Deacon in The Anglican Church of China, and I find from personal observation that this is invariably true. The Archbishop of Beijung is the cleverest man I know, but it is well known that his perceived holiness is just a sham. He doesn’t believe for one minute that in Heaven there’s an all-seeing God any more than he believes that pulling your pud grows hair on your palm.

"Then there's the Pope. Everyone agrees that he’s truly a saint, a man who believes with all his heart and soul that there is a Loving God and that he, the Pope, is His Vicar on earth.  At the same time, while everyone agrees that the man is a saint, everyone I know also agrees that he's a few watts short of a hallway safety light."

Notional Pest