Sexual Oddities of National Interest

Man Has Erectile Dysfunction Fixed

VANCOUVER, B.C. Oct. 19.  A man who suffered embarrassing erectile dysfunction so bad that his children were making fun of him, finally got relief today when he contacted the makers of the erection equipment involved. The man, who asked not to be identified, said that he had considered suicide until a friendly neighbour, a specialist in urology, advised him that help could be found at a certain web site in the UK. 

After several frustrating delays, with frequent breakdowns and cuts in service at his Internet Service Provider, the man said he finally got online and his equipment working again after he consulted with on-line experts at the Meccano web site (www.meccano.com). The friendly and helpful technicians at Meccano Inc. advised him that he had to erect the loader in proper sequence and especially not install the 6 volt electric motor until the boom and grabber were in place. Thereafter he should have no problem 'getting it up', they told him. He was further advised to always follow directions and should never try to put the wrong screw into the wrong hole.

"They were fantastic," the man said. "I shall lawys be grateful for the help from those guys at Meccano and my kids think I did it all by myself!"


Transgenic Operation A 'Great Success'

Procedure offers hope for sexual dysfunctionals
But 'Due Care' Necessary Mount Sinai

By Crusty Blanche-Froid

OTTAWA (NP)  The former Rose Tobin of Cornerbrook, Nfld., the first person to be successfully fitted with a penis and testicles from another species, is reported to be 'generally satisfied' with the outcome, but may sue the doctor who performed the procedure for malpractice. Rose, who changed her name to Brian after the operation, says that while it is nice to be a male and likes the new 'manly feeling' between her legs, says she will sue Mount Sinai because the hormone treatments made her look like Rev. Jerry Falwell, the tele-evangelist, a person she says she despises. Also, she complained that the operation made her so bottom heavy her feet do not reach the ground, which she says, makes 'getting around' very difficult. 

The new procedure took place at Ottawa's Mount Sinai Trans-Genic Crossover Clinic. At a press conference called by Mount Sinai's Medical Director, Dr. Maurice Coté said that the operation to graft an elephant's sexual apparatus onto a different species was a new first and a breakthrough for medical science. Dr. Coté boasted that his institution is now at the 'sharp end' of bio-sexual medicine and for anyone who wants to accomplish great things that he or she couldn't do before because of physical limitations, now "anything is possible."

Dr. Coté admitted that there are a few loose ends with the procedure that "will have to be worked out, although it was largely the patient not the clinic that caused the problems." He explained that grafting an elephant's sexual apparatus onto the diminutive former lap dancer had gone smoothly. In fact, "when Rose, er, Brian had his first erection in her specially modified high-ceilinged hospital suite, it was undoubtedly a world class event that was not marred in the least by her, I mean his threatened lawsuit. "It is not Mount Sinai's fault that Ms. Tobin refused to have Jumbo (the elephant) circumcised before the graft took place. Circumcision is an ancient Jewish custom and we warned her, er him, of the consequences that would follow if this were not done. It is not our fault that she, er he, finds it almost impossible to walk around with a dangling three metre foreskin. As I said, that was her, I mean his decision."

The elephant, Jumbo, is said to be recovering 'moderately well' in a special compound for rogue elephants, who have lost or never had social instincts. At the Ottawa/Hull Twin Cities' Bi-Cultural Zoo, Jumbo now spends his days swaying to and fro, munching the odd peanut, perhaps recalling the days when he (now it), was the champion sire of several world famous circus pachyderms. 

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