Brits to Award Honorary Knighthood To Mayor Giuliani—Other World Leaders Being Considered
Ottawa, 15 Oct. The office of Prime Minister Chrétien announced today that the PM would not accept an honorary knighthood like the one being offered to Mayor Giuliani of New York. Mayor Giuliani's unparalleled leadership of New Yorkers during the aftermath of the World Trade Center attacks received praise from around the world. Other leaders such as Prime Minister Chrétien and US President Bush are also said to be under consideration. In previous conflicts, President Bush's father received an honorary knighthood as did Colin Powell and ex-President Reagan.
The Prime Minister is said to be privately 'delighted' that he is being considered but feels that it would not be appropriate at this time. The main problem is Mr. Chrétien's vigorous opposition to Conrad Black's elevation to the peerage and a seat in the British House of Lords. The 'optics' would not look good, said a PMO spokesperson. "Canada is a democratic nation that believes in the equality of all persons. Singling out one person in the Liberal Party for an award of excellence from a foreign power is not constitutional under our laws," she said. Another problem is that the PM feels he would look silly going around calling himself "Sir Jean." Unlike Americans honorees, who cannot use the "Sir" (though allowed to include KBE after their name), Canadians being members of the Commonwealth, would be under no such restriction.
Chrétien Offers Military Support To Coalition Against Terrorism
Ottawa, 8 Oct. At a press conference Sunday, The Prime Minister vowed that all kinds of military support will be offered to the British American Task Force that is fighting bin Laden and the terrorists based in Afghanistan.
Mr. Chrétien has ordered the Chief of Defence Staff to conduct a full review of Canada's military capabilities and promised that when this is done, "Dose guys runnin' aroun' in bed sheets and funny-lookin' hats will see dat Ca-na-da means business." Asked by a reporter what naval forces would be deployed, Mr. Chrétien said "we 'ave destroyer an' 'elicopter on aircraft carrier an' tons of ammo dat will show dem we are not foolin' aroun'."
This reporter (Sid Blank from the Notional Pest) asked the Prime Minister how he could offer anything but token support to the Americans in view of his government's criminal neglect of the Armed Forces since he took office in 1993. Also that Canada's aircraft carrier, HMCS BONAVENTURE, was decommissioned in 1969 and then sold to a scrap dealer in Hong Kong. Mr. Chrétien appeared visibly angry. "Dat kind of talk does not represent what Ca-na-da stands for. We are being multicultural country dat de UN is saying is de bes' in de worl' ". Mr.Chrétien was then asked about the Liberal Policy Paper that apparently sets forth the government's virtual approach to The War on Terrorism. (see next story). At that, the PM's eyes narrowed and drilled into this reporter. But before he could get my neck in a hammer lock, the Press Secretary said the press conference was over and Mr. Chrétien was hustled off the stage by several burly security bodyguards.
Canada Set To Provide Unlimited Virtual Support To War On Terrorism
OTTAWA, Oct. 7. A Top Secret Strategy paper on the Liberal Party's virtual approach to the War on Terrorism was obtained by an agent of the Notional Pest. A well chewed, dog eared copy of the paper was given to the Notional Pest's Sidney Blank by an informant in the PMO's office under cover of a thick fog that enveloped Parliament Hill over the weekend. Some of the highlights:
OTTAWA, 6 Oct. According to Notional Pest agents, the Prime Minister is considering a cabinet shuffle in wake of John Manley's remarks that Canada is not pulling its weight internationally. In a revealing interview the Foreign Affairs Minister said that Canada always talks big at international gatherings but when the waiter brings the bill, Canada slips out to the washroom.
Although Manley was quick to absolve Chrétien of having any responsibility whatsoever for our international image of being impotent and ineffective and our leaders as self-satisfied blowhards, the Prime Minister is reported to be furious that one of his ministers would admit that the Liberal Party over which he has dictatorial control would admit that it has ever made even the slightest mistake.
The Prime Minister isn't saying, but the word is out that Mr. Manley will be soon turfed out of Foreign Affairs and into some low profile job such as Associate Deputy Minister for Office Supplies. In his place Chrétien would like to put Lloyd Axworthy back in his old post in Foreign Affairs but Mr. Axworthy, known as the champion of "soft power", has not yet answered the call. Other names, including some outside the government, are also being considered. Well known Canadian antiglobalists such as Maude Barlow, Lynda McQuaig and Murray Dobbin are rumored to be 'interested' but, so far, have yet to receive a call from the Prime Minister.
Prime Minister Holds Strategy Meeting With Other World Leader
Chretien offers 'tanks' to a doubtful Geo. Bush outside the White House,
The President, surprised that Canada could provide anything in the way of military hardware in the War Against Terrorism, responded by thanking the Prime Minister, but didn't think that the USA could use the 1,000 tanks "right now".
After the meeting, the Prime Minister had to rush back to Toronto for a Liberal Party fund raiser, which prevented his taking the time to view Ground Zero in New York. Later, the Canadian Ambassador to the USA explained that Mr. Chrétien had been advised to stay away from the WTC disaster site as the scene was already confusing enough. Furthermore, the Prime Minister offered 'thanks' not 'tanks', and that the President fully understands how the confusion arose.