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BREAKING
NEWS
Latest CNN Poll Shows A Divided America
The CNN poll shows that
Americans are evenly divided over whether Osama bin Laden's beard should
be trimmed before he is put to death before trial. 45% said that it should
not be trimmed because such an act would be sacrilegious in the eyes of
Muslims.
45% said they'll never
find him, dead or alive, so what's the difference?
The usual 10% asked: who's
Osama bin Laden?
The poll is accurate to
within 2.5 percent 19 times out of twenty.
PM Shocked That An Army Sometimes
Has to Fight
 Ottawa,
Nov. 20. It seems that the deployment of three rifle companies of the Princess
Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry to Afghanistan is off, at least until
the prime minister can be shown that the purpose of an army is, sometimes,
to fight. Apparently under the delusion that the country's armed forces
are only window dressing to give some credence to his boast that Canada
stands "shoulder to shoulder with the Americans," he was apparently shocked
shockedwhen advised that their actual deployment might involve
more than handing out chocolate treats to starving Afghanis.
In Parliament yesterday,
the Prime Minister defending his pusillanimous stance stated "We are in
de majority party an', of course, we don't want to 'ave big fight dere.
We want da harmy to bring peace and happiness as much as possible. If dey
are not welcome, we don't send troop into situation where dey may be shot
at."
Opposition and defence
critics scoffed at the PM's chicken-hearted stance. One observed that his
telling phrase, 'we are in the majority party' makes a fine acronym for
Canadians WIMPS and asked, "Why do we have an army at all if
they can never be placed in situations where they might have to use weapons
to defend themselves or do what it is we sent them there do do? Another
suggested that if our troops are only to be sent into stable environments
to act like glorified policemen, "let's just spend
our defence billions on the Salvation Army and have a big recruiting drive
for tambourine bangers and tuba players."
Sikh Businessman Finds Air Travel
In Canada A Terrifying Experience
 Toronto,
19 Nov. The flight attendant's eyes widened in horror as Chirinjeev Ladhuria,
turbaned and wearing a beard, got up from his seat in mid flight and begin
walking up the aisle. 'Holy Mother of Christ', she thought and shakily
asked him what he wanted. "I need to take a piss," he said and kept walking
towards the front of the aeroplane. The attendant, unsure what to do next,
then shrieked, "this man is going to kill us all!" Several men among
the passengers then had a hurried conference and voted (3 to 2) to try
stopping the man before he could take over the plane. Before the Sikh could
open the toilet door three of the men had pushed him face down on the carpet,
unrolled his turban and used it to tie him up like a goat to be used in
the Uzbekian game of buzkashi (in which men on horseback struggle for the
body of a headless goat or, sometimes, human).
The Air Canada 737 flying
from Vancouver to Toronto then made an emergency landing in Winnipeg where
the trussed up and now terrorized Sikh was manhandled off the plane
by a squad of anti-terrorist police. After hours of interrogation, Mr.
Ladhuria was released when he provided documentary proof that he was not
bin Laden nor even a near relative.
For Mr. Ladhuria, the
treatment is familiar and understandable because he recognizes that he
bears a passing resemblance to Osama bin Laden. Nevertheless, he finds
it utterly depressing. Travel, a hardship for everyone post Sept. 11th,
is especially a nightmare for the Sikh entrepreneur from Vancouver. At
38, he has an MD from Toronto and an MBA from UBC and has used his training
to start up several telecommunications firms and an upstart airline, SikhJet,
for which he is trying to assemble venture capital.
His exotic good looks
made it easy for him to chat up women in bars at least before 11th Sept.
But now they draw accusatory stares and affronts like "Driven any planes
into skyscrapers lately?"
Sikhs are not Arabs and
do not speak Arabic. They are not Muslim; indeed much of their 500-year
history is replete with struggles against Muslim domination. Still, their
turbans, though a different style than those worn by devout Muslims, attract
hatred from the ill-educated, intolerant masses of North Americans who
feel it is their right to make life hell for those whose dress or looks
set them apart. "I've been advised to shave off my beard," he says, "but
that would be a sacrilegious act. And what should I do about my facial
featuresget them totally reconstructed with surgery? Maybe my only
course is take up acting so that I can play bin Laden in the movies that
are sure to be made about al-Qaeda and their leader."
EDITORIALS
Hard-hitting, honest and fearless
opinions of the state of the world by our award winning editorial board,
the members of which receive inspiration but no remuneration from the editors
of our sister publication, The National Post (and certainly not
from Life-Peer-Designate Conrad Black OPINION
PAGE >>
The Worst Day
of my life
Earlier,
The Notional Pest began a new series in which readers tell their own stories
of a day they would rather forget. The first story is from Theodore (Ted)
Smith who receives a $5,000 Gift Certificate for the story found by clicking
on:TED SMITH'S
STORY >>
Newfoundador Joke
of the day
A couple of Newfie moose
hunters are out in the woods when one falls to the ground. He doesn't seem
to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy,
who just happens to have a cell phone, whips it out and calls 911. He then
gasps to the operator, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?" The
operator, in a calm soothing voice, says "Just take it easy. I can help.
First, lets make sure he's dead"........There is silence, then a shot is
heard and the hunter comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
American history
It
was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of
a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's
begin by reviewing American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give
me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his
hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775", he said.
"Very good! Who said "Government
of the people, by the people, and for the people, shall not perish from
the earth'?" Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863"
said Suzuki. The teacher snapped at the room full of children, "Class,
you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about
its history than you do." Then she heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japanese."
"Who said that", she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up again. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," At that point,
a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared at the
class. "All right! Now who said that?" Again Suzuki answers, "George Bush
to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
The teacher is now beside
herself but then another student yells, " Oh yeah, Suck this!" Suzuki jumps
out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton!
Bill Clinton! To Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria
taking over the classroom someone said, "You little shit if you say anything
else I will personally have you killed." Suzuki frantically yells at the
top of his voice: "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001!"
The teacher fainted
Old Farts Are
not so useless
A farmer goes out one
day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The
new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK, old fart, time for
you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come
on, surely you cannot
handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has
done to me. Can't
you just let me have the two old hens over in the
corner?"
The young rooster says,
"Beat it! You are all washed up, and I am
taking over."
The old rooster says,
"I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs,
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man,
so just to be fair I
will give you a head start." The old rooster takes
off running. About
15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off
running after him.
They round the front porch
of the farmhouse and the young rooster has
closed the gap.
He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster
and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on
the front porch when
he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his
shotgun and BOOM!
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer
sadly shakes his head
and says, Dammit... that's the third gay rooster I
bought this month."
Moral to the story...
"Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and
treachery will always
overcome youth and skill!
MORE
STORIES THAT OTHER PAPERS DARE NOT PRINT! >>
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