All signs: It's not a good day for going shopping or making financial decisions. Best stay in bed all day but do not pass the time by playing with yourself.
 
 

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

You were conceived in May and like the month you have a flowery, sunny personality and have the only sign to be in colour (lucky you!). Unfortunately, it's the worst month for producing idiots and since you entirely lack common sense don't involve yourself in any ambitious projects today. And remember: every time you open your mouth, people cringe since everyone is honestly convinced you're a complete dork.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

You are bright eyed, charming and have a wonderful personality. Try your luck today at making new friends but a word of warning: though you're bright eyed, etc., this is not enough to keep people from hating you. If male, you're likely a fag and if female, a lesbian. Most Pisces are cowards and would steal from their mothers. Don't fool around with your dad's revolver today unless you point it at your own head.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Go ahead with bulbous, grandiose plans that have been bubbling to the surface today. But be careful! People like you are always rushing in where normal people would stay away. Unfortunately, most Aries are philandering, lying, crockery-stealing bastards. Clinton is an Aries. Like him you are charming, likeable, and will often succeed because you're full of blarney and devoid of morality. Watch that you don't end up disgraced like him waiting in vain for your wife to become President!

TAURUS (Apr 21- May 20)

Be a little cautious today about money matters because you have a very forceful personality that some say can cause aeroplanes to fall out of the sky. This suggests that something in the air today will goad you into doing something impetuous, but will only get you in the deepest doo-do. So don't go overboard confirming what people think: you're bad luck in running shoes. Maybe your bi-sexuality (lucky you!) will help you wiggle out of some tough situations, but in the end be careful you don't up in prison!

GEMINI (May 21- Jun 21)

This is the day to make big plans and set long range goals. But don't let your exuberance and sense of fun fool you into plans such as getting a toy gun, waving it around like a maniac outside a nursery, and yelling you're going to murder all the little fuckers inside. Some people have no sense of humour and you just may be shot dead on the spot. Although your death would seem to some a boon to mankind, you have a lot coming to you. Just keep idly thinking about what the world owes you and soon your dreams will be realized.

CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)

Your sign tells it all (the famous 'sixty-nine'!) If female, you're almost certainly a trans-sexual. Therefore, cold calculation is your best quality. If male, watch today about falling asleep during sex with dead whores. But look on the bright side. Cancers make good pimps or piano players in brothels. Everyone on welfare is a Cancer.

You have artistic flair, style and a winning way of showing your creations to others. But have you seriously considered that you entirely lack talent and should confine your creations to spraying graffiti on shit house walls?  You are lucky at solitaire but in general your luck is no better than your talent. So don't try to make money today or any other day, else you'll end up in a total body cast. If that happens you'll only survive by stealing from soup kitchens.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

You have a self perception of being a great leader, and think you have a talent for the written word. But be careful how you assert these supposed talents today. As to leadership, there are those who say that a troop of horny Visigoths wouldn't follow you into a Mairfair whorehouse on a free night and if you try to lead anybody anywhere, they'll only laugh at you. Best you try writing speeches for Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 21)

The advice to Scorpio affects you as well. Both of you are left-liberal in your thinking and your greatest delight is giving away other peoples' money. Be careful you don't come across as holier-than-thou. If you're not careful your deceitfulness and untrustworthiness, combined with your talent for making speeches full of bullshit, will make you a prime candidate for a cabinet position in the Liberal government. It's sad, but all Libras die in pain and disgrace.

SCORPIO ((Oct 22 - Nov 21)

You can sweet talk anybody today, and the more passionate the situation, the sweeter you get. However, nobody respects you because you're seen as a shallow, ingratiating douche bag. Maybe that's not completely accurate but if you're honest you'll admit it comes awfully close. In any event, you are wasting your time, because your chances for making an honest living are non existent. If you are near Ottawa you should give consideration to leaping off the Peace Tower. In Toronto, use the CN Tower.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 21 - Dec 21)

This is the day to enjoy lovely family gatherings and do anything with partners. Giving things away is a good plan and it's best to start by giving body parts away starting with your head. Unfortunately, most Sagittarians are lushes and have few redeeming qualities and only you know if you are in that group. If you can honestly admit that you are, you should consider playing Russian Roulette with all chambers loaded.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

You could be a strong force for good today if only you weren't fated by your genes to be always at the bottom of a stinking pile of crooked looters of the Public Purse. Capricorns couldn't find there way out of a one room maze with the instructions printed on the door. Chrétien is a Capricorn. With your irascibility, utter lack of integrity, and a conviction you've never made a single mistake in your entire life, you are a good candidate for prime minister but, unfortunately, that post is taken for good. Maybe you should consider running for House Leader in the Bloc Québécois.

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