By Georgia Peach
All signs: It's not a good day for going
shopping or making financial decisions. Best stay in bed all day but do
not pass the time by playing with yourself.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb
18)
You
were conceived in May and like the month you have a flowery, sunny personality
and have the only sign to be in colour (lucky you!). Unfortunately, it's
the worst month for producing idiots and since you entirely lack common
sense don't involve yourself in any ambitious projects today. And remember:
every time you open your mouth, people cringe since everyone is honestly
convinced you're a complete dork.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
You
are bright eyed, charming and have a wonderful personality. Try your luck
today at making new friends but a word of warning: though you're bright
eyed, etc., this is not enough to keep people from hating you. If male,
you're likely a fag and if female, a lesbian. Most Pisces are cowards and
would steal from their mothers. Don't fool around with your dad's revolver
today unless you point it at your own head.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Go
ahead with bulbous, grandiose plans that have been bubbling to the surface
today. But be careful! People like you are always rushing in where
normal people would stay away. Unfortunately, most Aries are philandering,
lying, crockery-stealing bastards. Clinton is an Aries. Like him you are
charming, likeable, and will often succeed because
you're full of blarney and devoid of morality. Watch that you don't end
up disgraced like him waiting in vain for your wife to become President!
TAURUS (Apr 21- May 20)
Be
a little cautious today about money matters because you have a very forceful
personality that some say can cause aeroplanes to fall out of the sky.
This suggests that something in the air today will goad you into doing
something impetuous, but will only get you in the deepest doo-do. So don't
go overboard confirming what people think: you're bad luck in running shoes.
Maybe your bi-sexuality (lucky you!) will help you wiggle out of some tough
situations, but in the end be careful you don't up in prison!
GEMINI (May 21- Jun 21)
This
is the day to make big plans and set long range goals. But don't let your
exuberance and sense of fun fool you into plans such as getting a toy gun,
waving it around like a maniac outside a nursery, and yelling you're going
to murder all the little fuckers inside. Some people have no sense of humour
and you just may be shot dead on the spot. Although your death would seem
to some a boon to mankind, you have a lot coming to you. Just keep idly
thinking about what the world owes you and soon your dreams will be realized.
CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Your
sign tells it all (the famous 'sixty-nine'!) If female, you're almost certainly
a trans-sexual. Therefore, cold calculation is your best quality. If male,
watch today about falling asleep during sex with dead whores. But look
on the bright side. Cancers make good pimps or piano players in brothels.
Everyone on welfare is a Cancer.
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LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
You
have artistic flair, style and a winning way of showing your creations
to others. But have you seriously considered that you entirely lack talent
and should confine your creations to spraying graffiti on shit house walls?
You are lucky at solitaire but in general your luck is no better than your
talent. So don't try to make money today or any other day, else you'll
end up in a total body cast. If that happens you'll only survive by stealing
from soup kitchens.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
You have a self perception of being a great leader, and think you have
a talent for the written word. But be careful how you assert these supposed
talents today. As to leadership, there are those who say that a troop of
horny Visigoths wouldn't follow you into a Mairfair whorehouse on a free
night and if you try to lead anybody anywhere, they'll only laugh at you.
Best you try writing speeches for Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.
LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 21)
The advice to Scorpio affects you as well. Both of you are left-liberal
in your thinking and your greatest delight is giving away other peoples'
money. Be careful you don't come across as holier-than-thou. If you're
not careful your deceitfulness and untrustworthiness, combined with your
talent for making speeches full of bullshit, will make you a prime candidate
for a cabinet position in the Liberal government. It's sad, but all Libras
die in pain and disgrace.
SCORPIO ((Oct 22 - Nov
21)
You
can sweet talk anybody today, and the more passionate the situation, the
sweeter you get. However, nobody respects you because you're seen as a
shallow, ingratiating douche bag. Maybe that's not completely accurate
but if you're honest you'll admit it comes awfully close. In any event,
you are wasting your time, because your chances for making an honest living
are non existent. If you are near Ottawa you should give consideration
to leaping off the Peace Tower. In Toronto, use the CN Tower.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 21 -
Dec 21)
This
is the day to enjoy lovely family gatherings and do anything with partners.
Giving things away is a good plan and it's best to start by giving body
parts away starting with your head. Unfortunately, most Sagittarians are
lushes and have few redeeming qualities and only you know if you are in
that group. If you can honestly admit that you are, you should consider
playing Russian Roulette with all chambers loaded.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan
19)
You
could be a strong force for good today if only you weren't fated by your
genes to be always at the bottom of a stinking pile of crooked looters
of the Public Purse. Capricorns couldn't find there way out of a one room
maze with the instructions printed on the door. Chrétien is a Capricorn.
With your irascibility, utter lack of integrity, and a conviction you've
never made a single mistake in your entire life, you are a good candidate
for prime minister but, unfortunately, that post is taken for good. Maybe
you should consider running for House Leader in the Bloc Québécois.
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