DOS Error Messages
The humour here is sure to be appreciated by DOS users.
Some of what is presented is sarcasm or simple observation,
so it's not all laugh-out-loud funny. However, it is certain
to bring at least a nod of recognition from experienced persons.
Interspersed throughout are various quotes
and tidbits I have picked up in my travels.
I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows...
but I am trying.
LongJohn Operating System:
You can't leave the fly open because
it's security hole for viruses.
- Thou shalt have no other operating systems before me.
- Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven icon of a non-DOS system.
- Thou shalt not take the name of DOS, thy almighty, in vain.
- Remember the DOS 1.0 day, to keep it holy.
- Honour thy CONFIG.sys and thy AUTOEXEC.bat.
- Thou shalt not kill non-DOS users despite their folly.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery by having an affair with another operating system.
- Thou shalt not steal copyrighted software. Don't copy that floppy! Don't Facsimile that CD!
- Thou shalt not bear false witness against inferior operating systems. It is unnecessary.
- Thou shalt not covet a superior operating system - there are none!.
Canadian DOS Prompt: C:\ Eh? >
American DOS Prompt: C:\ Huh? >
For what does "MS-DOS" stand?
Microsoft Disk-Continued Operating System
Microsoft gave you Windows -
OS/2 gave you the Whole House.
- Keyboard Failure: Press F1 to Continue.
- Bad Command or File Name: Go to Your Room!
- No File Handles: Consult HARDWARE.doc.
- COMMAND.com not Found: Should I Fake it? (Y/N)
- Syntax Error: User only at GUI Intelligence Level.
- Must Specify Destination: Start TRAVELAGENT.exe? (Y/N)
- Out of Memory: Run ALZHEIMER.com? (Y/N)
- PARLIAMENT.sys Corrupted: Reinstall Ottawa? (Y/N)
- BREAKFAST.exe Failure: No Response from Cereal Port.
- REALITY.sys is Missing or Corrupted. Universe Halted.Run BIG-BANG 2.0
A Computer System's Attention Span
is Only as Long as its Power Cord.
UNIX Air Transport
The grandfather of the industry, Unix Air Transport has remained a stable company throughout the decades and has been able to cover the planet with a world-wide network of airport terminals. High security has meant no hijackings have ever occurred on Unix planes. Other airlines often interact with this airline's flyways during inter-country flights.
Passengers are given a manual to handle the planes themselves and must learn it fully in order to fly with this airline. UNIX Air Transport has remained little known to the general public.
Only one person interfaces between the passengers and the baggage check-in, ticket seller, flight attendants and pilots. Passengers must use this person to interact with all the others. No matter which employees are encountered, they all look and act the same as the others.
Ground crew are invisible to users of this airline. If you ask for details about operations, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be handled for you without you ever having to know.
Aero Apple recently abandoned their own runways and fuel so they could use those of other Operating System air companies, and now also have two employees to interface with the public.
Airport terminal, luggage check-in, and ticket services are plain but run smoothly and quickly. No employees ever talk back to the passengers or deny any requests. Unfortunately, detrimental requests are also obeyed without question even if they can destroy the passenger's luggage.
Although DOS Air has simple, workhorse aircraft, they fly faster and farther than those of other airlines for the same amount of fuel. There are decorative overlays available at extra charge that can cover all the plainness with pretty facades. Flights are never delayed or cancelled.
However, passengers must check and load their own luggage, issue and take their own tickets, handle boarding and ground operations, and direct air traffic. Passengers have to fly the planes themselves as well, and they must learn how the instruments and controls work in order to do so. Once all this is done, passengers can train the system to do it all for them, but they must retrain it whenever the destination changes.
At first, Windows Air used DOS Air employees to do the actual work, all the while presenting to the passengers a bright and inviting terminal, friendly flight attendants, a fairly easy baggage check and boarding procedure, but a laboured flight because of having to answer too many "Yes" questions during their time in the air. This airline now has its own employees, save for the odd DOS Air one still under contract.
During some flights, the entire cabin interior turns blue and neither flight attendants nor crew can be summoned. Passengers have to then abandon the current flight and start their trip all over again. Windows Air has constant problems with hijackers.
With their newer planes, after about an hour in the air, just the on-board video screens turn blue - but the plane explodes for no apparent cause. Should the plane actually crash land, each passenger is asked "Are You Sure?" before an emergency door will open and a slide deploys.
Windows Vista Air
Similar to Windows Air, but Vista Air costs more. It uses much larger aircraft that carry a lot of superfluous cargo, fly much slower, and use a great deal more fuel than the planes of other airlines. Security screening is a nightmare with endless questions and invasive body cavity searches.
Once in the air, all extras are charged for, meals are good but it takes them a long time to be prepared and served, and to use the washroom, a special code must be entered followed by answering more of those "Yes" questions. As well, flight attendants constantly check your tickets and vouchers to see if they are official Windows Air ones. If not, your flight is immediately terminated even if over an ocean.
Disembarking the plane requires completion of a minimum of four sides of a Rubik's Cube, a long walk down a labyrinth of corridors and a wait at the end even though no one else is in line. As with Windows Air, Vista planes explode, but also destroy all other aircraft within a 15-kilometre radius.
This European air company was started by ex-employees of UNIX Air Transport and staffed by disillusioned workers of other Operating System airlines. It builds its own terminals and manufactures its own planes but does not entirely complete the interiors. To reduce costs, it uses the same runways and fuel as that of most of the other airlines. This allows those other users to land at a Linuxtansa airport to peruse its terminals at their leisure.
This airline charges to print tickets, but users can also print their own with no repercussions. When passengers board a plane, a free toolkit is issued so that they can hook up the cockpit gauges and controls, and complete the interior to individual tastes. Once done, the experience is comfortable, the plane flies on schedule with minimal problems, and provides food, magazines and entertainment at no charge.
Employees and passengers experienced with Linuxtansa attempt to promote the great flights and services to the customers of competing airlines, but all the others can say is, "You had to use a toolkit?"
The Newest Screen-Saver:
Curtains for Windows
In most ways, the TUI (Text User Interface)
is far more efficient and faster to use than
the GUI (Graphic user Interface). Here are
some analogies to show that.
Let's say you are on Channel 3 and wish to go to Channel 29. With the GUI remote, you must first push a button to get a menu of channels, then push the `Up' button to move past 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28 and finally to 29.
In the GUI Restaurant you are not allowed to speak to the waiter. You go in, sit down and the waiter places a menu in front of you on which there are three images: one of Breakfast, one of Lunch, and one of Supper. It's noon time so you place your finger at the top of the menu where you must run it past "Breakfast" to get to the "Lunch" picture. You tap it once.
At this point, the waiter opens a lunch menu and places it on top of the first. You place your finger at the top of that menu and run it past all the stuff you don't want until you get to say, "Hamburger". You tap once.
At this point, the waiter opens another menu and places it on top of the first two. This one has everything that one might want on the burger. You place your finger at the top of the menu and run it past all the stuff you don't want until you get to say, "Cheese". You tap once. You then run your finger past some more stuff you don't want and tap on "Relish". You tap some more to signal to the waiter that you have finished selecting.
At this point, the waiter removes the third menu and you notice that there is a picture at the bottom of the second menu representing Beverages. You tap on it and the waiter places a mini menu depicting various beverages on top of the second menu. You place your finger at the top of this menu and run it past all the stuff you don't want until you get to say, "Juices". You tap on it and yet another menu is placed on top of the beverage menu showing the various juices available. You place your finger at the top of this menu and run it past all the beverages you don't want until you get to say, "Orange Juice". Now, yet another menu is placed on top of this one with pictures showing the various sizes. You place your finger at the top of this menu and run it past all the sizes you don't want until you get to say, "Large".
Finally, you then tap on the waiter to fold & remove the table full of menus, and you eventually get your order.
Say to the waiter: "Cheeseburger with Relish, and a large Orange Juice". It arrives immediately. (-:
It said: "Insert Disk 3",
but only two would fit.
Here are Some General Put-Downs
of the Windows Operating System.
The colourful clown suit for DOS.
Did you know that "Windows" is actually an acronym? Few realise that
it should be shown as:
"W.I.N.D.O.W.S." This stands for "Windows Is Not DOS - Only Works Sometimes". (-:
A Current Linux user says:
I miss Windows...
but my Aim is Improving!
Windows Error Message:
Windows has Encountered an Error.
Press the FU Key.
Windows: A 64-bit revamping of a 32-bit extension
and graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating
system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor written
by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Insert Wallet into Drive D;
Press any Key to Empty.
Here is the transcript of a live-audience reading by
comedian Les Barker. It was likely performed in The
United Kingdom. Please be aware that a few words may not be
accurate because it was hard to make out the dialogue at times.
Afterward is a YouTube audio link to one of Les' performances.
I bought a computer.
It cost a thousand pound,
But every time I switch it on
It keeps on falling down.
I used to think it was my friend,
But now it drives me 'round the bend.
You'd be surprised the time I spend:
I switch it on -
What is this?
Something wrong with CONFIG SYS
This isn't my idea of bliss:
I want to share my printers and
I want to share my files.
I want to share my anger
'Cause it drives me blooming wild.
My songs, they say, are sublime;
I've conquered cadence, mastered rhyme.
But now-a-days I spend my time:
Reinstall - oh what fun!
It says it helps you get things done.
Every day now, everyone's
Look again. It will say
All you do is plug and play.
How do I spend every day?
It can't find my printer and
It can't locate my mouse.
The other day it drove me
Right out of the house.
Still unplugged, still unplayed,
I e-mailed God in search of aid.
He's far to busy, I'm afraid...
Up at dawn for one more try
Will it work? - Can pigs fly?
How do I expect to die?
I used to like a drink or three.
No time now - don't call for me.
How will I spend eternity?