How to Deal with Anger
Anger Triggers
It's important to notice the signals our body gives us when we start to feel angr y. If we can catch these signals we have a much better chance of gaining control of our anger before we hurt ourselves or someone else.What are your anger triggers?
External Triggers are what happens to us, like when someone lies or puts us down
Internal Triggers are the messages we give ourselves, "self-talk," that get us all worked up. They are sometimes based on assumptions or incorrect information.
The Anger Iceberg
Try this anger awareness exercise and see if it helps you understand this complicated emotion.
Suggestion
1. Draw an iceberg on a piece of paper like the example below. Label the tip: "anger."
2. Think about a situation in which you felt angry.
3. Write what you did with your anger in the space above the water line.
4. See the "Taking Action" section on the other side of this sheet. What behaviour choices did you make to deal with your anger? What happened as a result?
5. Since anger is a secondary emotion, what were the underlying feeling(s)? Write them beneath the tip.
6. Was the problem solved OK? Do you still need to tell the people involved how y ou felt?
7. Evaluate your choices. What might have happened if you had chosen an assertive response to deal with your anger?
"I" Statements
Learning to talk about how an experience affects us can be a challenge.
Using the
following "I" statement formula might help you to communicate clearly
what's goin
g
on.
I feel _______________________ when you _________________________________,
and I
need
you to ________________________.
Example: Jim tells a racist or sexist joke.
Option 1: "What an idiot, go get a life!"
Option 2: "I feel offended when I hear sexist jokes and I don't want to
hear anym
ore."
Which response is constructive?
How could this work for other situations: sexual harassment, bullying,
etc.?
THREE Behaviour Choices
1. AGGRESSIVE: Anger is expressed either physically, emotionally or psychologically. The result is that someone else is hurt.Behaviour choices: Hitting, kicking, harassment, using put-downs, threats, murder
Message to myself: My anger is not OK so I am going to take it out on someone else. I will blame them for my anger because I am uncomfortable with my own feelings.
2. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE:
Anger is repressed by internalizing and denying.
Behaviour choices: Cold shoulder, revenge, nasty rumours, depression. (Depression is defined as anger turned inwards.) Bottled up, it can eventually blow up.
Message to myself: My anger is not OK so I will deny it. I am afraid of my feelings.
3. ASSERTIVE:
A. Anger is expressed directly in non-threatening ways that do not hurt
a. ) yourself,
b. ) another person or
c. ) someone's property.
B. Anger is suppressed (Not repressed). Acknowledge the feeling and decide
to deal
with the situation at a more appropriate time in the near future (e.g.,
after s with your own feelings and to deal with them without hurting anyone.
There is no such thing as bad anger or good anger. There are only choices
as to how you deal with anger. You can either reject and harm others or accept
and
respect others and yportant part of who I am
.
Anger: The Second Emotion
Anger is actually a secondary emotion. The real challenge is to get in
touch with
the primary emotion(s) that are at the heart of the matter (i.e., under
the tip o
f
the anger iceberg). Only then can the problem be dealt with in healthy and
assertive
ways.
Nobody "makes" you angry. In any situation you have the power to choose
and the ability
to get in touch with your own feelings and to deal with them without
hurting anyone.
There is no such thing as bad anger or good anger. There are only choices
as to how you deal with anger. You can either reject and harm others or accept
and respect others and yourself.
