Understanding Angry Behaviours
THREE Choices
Consider the consequences of each...
1. AGGRESSIVE: Anger is expressed overtly to hurt another, physically, emotionally or psychologically.Behaviour choices: hitting, kicking, harassment, using put-downs, threats, murder
Message to myself: My anger is not OK so I will make someone else responsible. I will blame someone else because I am afraid of my feelings. Note: This is typical of men who abuse "their" partners.
2. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE: Anger is repressed by internalizing and
denying.
Behaviour choices: Cold shoulder, revenge, nasty rumours, depression
(Depression is defined as anger turned inwards) Bottled up, it can
eventually blow up aggressively.
Message to myself: My anger is not OK so I will
deny it. I do not value my feelings.
3. ASSERTIVE: A. Anger is expressed directly in non-threatening ways that do not hurt a. Yourself, b. Another person or c. Someone's property. B. Anger is suppressed (Not repressed) by acknowledging the feeling and by you making the decision to deal with the situation it at a more appropriate time in the near future. I.e. After school.
Behaviour choices: "I" statements that clearly share feelings and
what you need from the other person, time out, private yelling, journal
writing, exercise.
Message to self: My anger is OK and tells others
that my self esteem is strong.
The Second Emotion
Anger always occurs as the second emotion in any experience. The real
challenge is to express the primary emotion(s) that lie closer to the
solution (i.e. Under the tip of the anger iceberg) to
the problem after anger is expressed in healthy, assertive ways.
Remember
Nobody "makes" you angry. You have the power to choose the feelings you
have and power to decide what to do with those feelings in any situation!
There is no such thing as bad anger or good anger-only choices to deal
with anger that can either harm or heal and invite or reject others.
