from Recent Issues of The Notional Pest
on links for complete story
to have access to all amusement rides and theme parks 'This
is fuckin' nuts!' say operators; massive industry layoffs threatened
by actions of Human Rights Tribunals
Canada Lyrics Alone! The group Females Favouring
Men, says Famous 5 Foundation agitators better back
off their drive to have the lyrics changed or, "shit will fly"
Language Cops Move To Censor Notional PestONLINE
Finds Long Second Toes Make For Deadly Overachievers While
they usually have a nice smile, LST people are prone to kill at worst and
be extremely irritating at best. An Ohio social anthropologist suggests
we off such people at birth.
Rights Group Demands End To Displays Of Animal Skeletons In Museums
ALL animals have souls and therefore their bones or skins should not be
put on display
Black to renounce Canadian citizenship PM threatens hunger strike
to reach $15 per litre by Labour Day Shocking revelations
at weekend meetings of Competition Bureau
Gives Charles a Big Kiss Sheila Copps 'adores' royalty
but potential contagion of germs worries members of Royal Household
Names Canadians To Communist 'Hall of Fame" Maude Barlow,
Alexa McDonough, Svend Robinson get 'tremendous pat on back' and win handsome
medals from Cuba's leader
Given Shopmate Table Saw By Jury Declares Mistrial Judge
defends action telling Notional Pest that "Though I need a new deck, public
might think it would prejudice my ability to conduct a fair and impartial
Scourge Of Legal Profession Ex - NDP Reeves Matheson sentenced
to house arrest because of his 'irresistible impulses'
Consort Scammed Reporter disguised as 'Hottentot' uncovers
startling indiscretions by sub regal couple
Apparition Exults Church "It's not the
Virgin, but it's close" says prelate. House near Halifax site of famous
Remote In Weird Dream Halifax woman has psychiatrists scratching
heads. Freudians and Jungians battle over interpretation
Fighter Collides With Sea King Near Hop Sing City (ex-Victoria) Chinese
demand full apology. Chretien will comply Ottawa
Spikes Rumour Brian Tobin will not desert Canada for U.S.
Liberal Party leadership issue no longer 'a problem' says Paul Martin
Pets Have Nervous Breakdown Shocking story from 24 Sussex
Drive. Is the Prime Minister beyond all accountability?
Killed By Kitty Litter Kanata man dies in a cloud of Kitty
litter. "This stuff's a KILLER," says Control Officer
Watched For Signs Of Mad Cow Disease Violent incident at
Bracebridge Ont. farm raises questions about lifting the ban on Brazilian
gets hands on the test given to Liberal Back-Benchers Stockwell
Day refuses to say how he obtained a copy of the Top Secret document.
PM says, "It doesn't exist, just like the opposition"
First Transgenic Operation A 'Mixed Success' Woman becomes
first person to be fitted with the penis and testicles from another species.
Woman said to be 'satisfied' but may sue doctor for malpractice
Lecter Has Wild Week Hannibal changes diet that brings
on erectile difficulties; then his urge to eat every dick in site is replaced
by gross priapism after eating too many peckerheads at one sitting. Week
ends with famed gourmet suing famous New York restaurant for 'gross negligence'
with Jan As she picks her teeth of her pets' (and probably
her missing husband's) remains, my luncheon guest provides shocking revelations
Workers Threaten Action Over Lack Of Benefits Toronto's
feisty mayor in frenzy at press conference, accuses critics of copying
tactics of Hitler. "They want another Holocaust," he sprays
To Walk Alone Around The World An amazing odyssey for a
man determined to spread the Word
Donuts Ex - Waitress Heads Huge Conglomerate Counter gal
shows that an unschooled teen-ager working for minimum wage can rise to
the top of the corporate ladder very quickly if she is gorgeous
and serves a good cup of java
The Tate This Week A stunning new show has set the
art world ablaze with critics searching for new, never-used-before superlatives
Case Overwhelms Justice System "It stinks," say legal
Minister in close call at Gander airport Government promises
to bring in laws that will jail people who offend, harass, or ask cheeky
questions of high ranking Liberal politicians. "It's high time," say prominent
newspaper owners with close association with Liberal Party
skeleton found in washroom stall Aboriginals demand answers
and want $10 trillion restitution for abuses since white man came and stole
Stations To Blanket The Globe Action will solve
the problem of uncertainty but it will cost "untold fuckin' billions",
says scientist who doesn't want to alarm anybody
That Americans Are Closer to God than Canadians Everybody
'knew' this to be so, but new book by certified goofball proves it
Publisher Of The National Post, A 'Corporate Welfare Bum' ? NDP makes
Much Water Does Your Body Need Every Day? Guess wrong and you're dead!
Study shocks the scientific community with find that even a teaspoon too
much or too little per day and you're headed for a lifetime of ill health
culminating in a certain, painful death
Finds The Secret For Living A Long, Happy, Productive Life
Medical societies and drug companies are aghast and threaten to sue the
study's author, Dr. Stanley Weiners
All Life On Earth End This Year? It is Not Just Likely But Certain
Dr. David Suzuki, noted environmentalist and predictor of doom for the
planet, warns that the world will both freeze to death and that sea levels
will rise until we're all drowned and, anyway, "A big meteor is going to
hit us smack on before Christmas."
bathroom de-stinker is a hi-tech marvel
Jan Wang, bathroom utilities expert and food editor of the Pest tests
a new de-odorizer that puts matches and candles to shame
diets extremely harmful and users will die sooner or later
Shocking discoveries a warning to us all
An easy (and honourable) way to steal from your friends
Statement from the publisher of The Notional Pest
issue of Feb. 14, 2001)
Black, the publisher of The National Post, affirmed today that he has taken
'steps' to shut down The Notional Pest. In a statement that appeared today
in his flagship newspaper, The Daily Telegraph, Mr. Black said (in
part) the following:
"I cannot stand
idly by and see stupid, plagiaristic siht (sic) like The Notional Pest
continue with its disgusting and banal coverage of the so-called news ....
I will bring all my considerable legal resources to bare (sic) on the case.
Dr. Lip Shit (sic) may think he can continue publishing his silly 'news'
but heel (sic) think again when a ceese (sic) and disist (sic) order is
shoved up ... I'll refrase (sic) that ... shoved in, his ukly (sic) face..."
I am wounded beyond
measure that Mr. Black would take such a position, but I will not respond
in kind other than to say I am surprised that his statement reveals he
has such a poor command of English, especially spelling. He should at least
have tried to spell my name right.
Fred W. Lipschitz,
Sounds Off >>
holds such total power that we are fast becoming a dictatorship on the
'banana republic' model. That isn't so funny.
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The sender of the hundredth e-mail to
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When you get
older you lose interest in sex, your friends drop away, your children ignore
you. There are many other advantages, of course, but these would seem to
be the outstanding ones
-- Richard J.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor
slapped my mother.
Now, you take my wife. I can take her
anywhere and she always finds her way home.
-- Henney Youngman
A true library is a collection of books
just as much as a toolbox is a collection of tools.
-- Fred W. Lipschitz
What famous German
philosopher, who died a virgin. stood up at an eighteenth century philosopher's
convention and shouted, "I can think anything deeper than you can, I can
think anything deeper than you!" ?
-- Immanuel Kant,
in Königsberg. Prussia, in 1724