Notional Pest -
Tuesday, 11 December,  2001
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Latest CNN Poll Shows A Divided America

The CNN poll shows that Americans are evenly divided over whether Osama bin Laden's beard should be trimmed before he is put to death before trial. 45% said that it should not be trimmed because such an act would be sacrilegious in the eyes of Muslims.

45% said they'll never find him, dead or alive, so what's the difference? 

The usual 10% asked: who's Osama bin Laden?

The poll is accurate to within 2.5 percent 19 times out of twenty.

PM Shocked That An Army Sometimes Has to Fight

Ottawa, Nov. 20. It seems that the deployment of three rifle companies of the Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry to Afghanistan is off, at least until the prime minister can be shown that the purpose of an army is, sometimes, to fight. Apparently under the delusion that the country's armed forces are only window dressing to give some credence to his boast that Canada stands "shoulder to shoulder with the Americans," he was apparently shocked —shocked—when advised that their actual deployment might involve more than handing out chocolate treats to starving Afghanis.

In Parliament yesterday, the Prime Minister defending his pusillanimous stance stated "We are in de majority party an', of course, we don't want to 'ave big fight dere. We want da harmy to bring peace and happiness as much as possible. If dey are not welcome, we don't send troop into situation where dey may be shot at."

Opposition and defence critics scoffed at the PM's chicken-hearted stance. One observed that his telling phrase, 'we are in the majority party' makes a fine acronym for Canadians — WIMPS — and asked, "Why do we have an army at all if they can never be placed in situations where they might have to use weapons to defend themselves or do what it is we sent them there do do? Another suggested that if our troops are only to be sent into stable environments to act like glorified policemen, "let's just spend our defence billions on the Salvation Army and have a big recruiting drive for tambourine bangers and tuba players." 

Sikh Businessman Finds Air Travel In Canada A Terrifying Experience

Toronto, 19 Nov. The flight attendant's eyes widened in horror as Chirinjeev Ladhuria, turbaned and wearing a beard, got up from his seat in mid flight and begin walking up the aisle. 'Holy Mother of Christ', she thought and shakily asked him what he wanted. "I need to take a piss," he said and kept walking towards the front of the aeroplane. The attendant, unsure what to do next, then shrieked, "this man is going to kill us all!"  Several men among the passengers then had a hurried conference and voted (3 to 2) to try stopping the man before he could take over the plane. Before the Sikh could open the toilet door three of the men had pushed him face down on the carpet, unrolled his turban and used it to tie him up like a goat to be used in the Uzbekian game of buzkashi (in which men on horseback struggle for the body of a headless goat or, sometimes, human). 

The Air Canada 737 flying from Vancouver to Toronto then made an emergency landing in Winnipeg where the  trussed up and now terrorized Sikh was manhandled off the plane by a squad of anti-terrorist police. After hours of interrogation, Mr. Ladhuria was released when he provided documentary proof that he was not bin Laden nor even a near relative.

For Mr. Ladhuria, the treatment is familiar and understandable because he recognizes that he bears a passing resemblance to Osama bin Laden. Nevertheless, he finds it utterly depressing. Travel, a hardship for everyone post Sept. 11th, is especially a nightmare for the Sikh entrepreneur from Vancouver. At 38, he has an MD from Toronto and an MBA from UBC and has used his training to start up several telecommunications firms and an upstart airline, SikhJet, for which he is trying to assemble venture capital. 

His exotic good looks made it easy for him to chat up women in bars — at least before 11th Sept. But now they draw accusatory stares and affronts like "Driven any planes into skyscrapers lately?"

Sikhs are not Arabs and do not speak Arabic. They are not Muslim; indeed much of their 500-year history is replete with struggles against Muslim domination. Still, their turbans, though a different style than those worn by devout Muslims, attract hatred from the ill-educated, intolerant masses of North Americans who feel it is their right to make life hell for those whose dress or looks set them apart. "I've been advised to shave off my beard," he says, "but that would be a sacrilegious act. And what should I do about my facial features—get them totally reconstructed with  surgery? Maybe my only course is take up acting so that I can play bin Laden in the movies that are sure to be made about al-Qaeda and their leader."


Hard-hitting, honest and fearless opinions of the state of the world by our award winning editorial board, the members of which receive inspiration but no remuneration from the editors of our sister publication, The National Post (and certainly not from Life-Peer-Designate Conrad Black OPINION PAGE >>

The Worst Day of my life

Earlier, The Notional Pest began a new series in which readers tell their own stories of a day they would rather forget. The first story is from Theodore (Ted) Smith who receives a $5,000 Gift Certificate for the story found by clicking on:TED SMITH'S  STORY >>

Newfoundador Joke of the day
A couple of Newfie moose hunters are out in the woods when one falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy, who just happens to have a cell phone, whips it out and calls 911. He then gasps to the operator, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead"........There is silence, then a shot is heard and the hunter comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

American history

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775", he said. 

"Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, and for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Suzuki. The teacher snapped at the room full of children, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." Then she heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japanese." 

"Who said that", she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up again. "Lee Iacocca, 1982,"  At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared at the class. "All right! Now who said that?" Again Suzuki answers, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." 

The teacher is now beside herself but then another student yells, " Oh yeah, Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton! Bill Clinton! To Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"  Now with almost a mob hysteria taking over the classroom someone said, "You little shit if you say anything else I will personally have you killed." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice: "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001!" 

The teacher fainted

Old Farts Are not so useless

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop.  The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK, old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come
on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.  Look what it has
done to me.  Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the

The young rooster says, "Beat it!  You are all washed up, and I am
taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud.  I will race you
around the farmhouse.  Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance, old man,
so just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes
off running.  About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off
running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has
closed the gap.  He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster
and gaining fast.  The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on
the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.  He grabs up his
shotgun and BOOM!  He blows the young rooster to bits.  The farmer
sadly shakes his head and says, Dammit...  that's the third gay rooster I
bought this month."

Moral to the story...  "Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and
treachery will always overcome youth and skill!




Muslim Terrorists Have Smart Bullets — Why Don't We Use Ours?

Chretien Mocks Lord Black At Halloween Party 

Chrétien Mocks Joe's Shaking Hands

Weapons of Terror — Anthrax scare in Canada?

Sex Aid a Terrorist Threat? — Female Passenger Suing Air Canada

O. J. Simpson Opens New Family Counselling Business

New Polls Show Canadians As Laid Back As Ever

Allan Rock, Our Next PM, Or Is He Not Fit To Shovel Shit? — Five Recent Stories

Halifax Couple Display Courage In Face Of Terrorist Threat

Enceinte Ladies Go Crazy Over Bullfighter-like Ensemble by British Fashion Designer

Prime Minister Releases New Autobiography  —  BY DA BALLS

Government Issues New Identity Cards to Canadian Terrorists

Canada Leads Fight In War On Terrorism — Thank God We Have Been Blessed With Great Leaders!

Interest Rates Are Headed For Negative Territory — Needed To Increase Spending says Greenspan

Raging Granny Makes Case For Armed Air Marshals In Canadian Airliners 

Increasing Restraint On Both Sides Offers Hope For Mid-East Peace

IRA Promises To Have A 'Real' And Believable Weapons De-commissioning Plan  In Place By Easter, 2010 

Chretien Say's He May Retire In Two Years But Tinks He May Run For A Fourth Majority Government 

Conrad Black Abandons National Post  And Chickens Out Of Canada —  Promises To Regain Citizenship When Chrétien Leaves Office

Uproar In Church After Leader Denounces Religion As A Scam

Man Has Erectile Dysfunction Fixed — 'Getting It Up' No Longer A Problem — Is A 'Great Help'

Cripples To Have Access To Everything — 'This Is Fuckin' Nuts' Say Theme Park Operators

New Blockbuster Movie About WW II —  Dubyas Two — Promises To Make Billions For Disney

New Lyrics For O Canada? - Feminist Group Says 'No Fucking Way!'

Irascible Bracebridge Elder Throws 'Tea Party'  At Which Dozens Die

Unofficial National anthem The Maple Leaf Forever gets update



 Now on a screen near you!

Poster for Dubyas Two

Click on this link for Full Review by Roger Ebert



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