oddities

Oddities In The News
(From Recent Issues of Notional Pest)

Paraplegics to have access to all amuserment rides and theme parks 'This is fuckin' nuts!' say operators; massive industry layoffs threatened by actions of Human Rights Tribunals
Animal Rights Group Demands End To Displays Of Animal Skeletons In MuseumsAll animals have souls and therefore their bones or skins should not be put on display
Minister Gives Charles a Big Kiss Sheila Copps 'adores' royalty but potential contagion of germs worries members of Royal Household
G.G's Consort Scammed Reporter disguised as 'Hottentot' uncovers startling indescretions by sub-regal couple
'Miracle' Apparition Exults Church "It's not the Virgin, but it's close" says prelate. House near Halifax site of famous Woman in Window
TV Remote In Weird TDream Halifax woman has psychiatrists scratching heads. Freudians and Jungians battle over interpretation
Man Killed By Kitty Litter Kanata man dies in a cloud of Kitty litter. "This stuff's a KILLER," says Control Officer
Alliance gets hands on the test given to Liberal Back-Benchers Stockwell Day refuses to say how he obtained a copy of the Top Secret document. PM says, "It doesn't exist, just like the opposition."
World's First Transgenic Operation A 'Mixed Success' Woman becomes first person to be fitted with the penis and testicles from another species. Woman said to be 'satisfied' but may sue doctor for malpractice
Hannibal Lecter Has Wild Week Hannibal changes diet that brings on erectile difficulties; then his urge to eat every dick in site is replaced by gross priapism after eating too many peckerheads at one sitting. Week ends with famed gourmet suing famous New York restaurant for 'gross negligence'
Lunch with Jan As she picks her teeth of her pets' (and probably her missing husband's) remains, my luncheon guest provides shocking revelations
Sewer Workers Threaten Action Over Lack Of Benefits Toronto's feisty mayor in frenzy at press conference, accuses critics of copying tactics of Hitler. "They want another Holocaust," he sprays
Man To Walk Alone Around The World An amazing odyssey for a man determined to spread the Word
Dunkin' Donuts Ex-Waitress Heads Huge Conglomerate Counter gal shows that an unschooled teen-ager working for minimun wage can rise to the top of the corporate ladder very quickly if she is gorgeous and serves a good cup of java
Mysterious skelton found in washroom stall Aboriginals demand answers and want $10 trillion restitution for abuses since white man came and stole their country
Weather Stations To Blanket The Globe Action will solve the problem of uncertainty but it will cost "untold fuckin' billions", says scientist who doesn't want to alarm anybody
Proof That Americans Are Closer to God than Canadians Everybody 'knew' this to be so, but new book by certfied goofball proves it
Hollinger, Publisher Of The National Post, A 'Corporate Welfare Bum' ? — NDP makes startling accusation
How Much Water Does Your Body Need Every Day? Guess wrong and you're dead! Study shocks the scientific cimmunity with find that even a teaspoon too much or too little per day and you're headed for a lifetime of ill-health culminating in a certain, painful death
Study Finds The Secret For Living A Long, Happy, Productive Life Medical societies and drug companies are aghast and threaten to sue the study's author, Dr. Stanley Weiners
Could All Life On Earth End This Year? It is Not Just Likely But Certain Dr. David Sususki, noted environmentalist and predictor of doom for the planet, warns that the world will both freeze to death and that sea levels will rise until we're all drowned and, anyway, "A big meteor is going to hit us smack on before Christmas."
New bathroom de-stinker is a hi-tech marvel Jan Wang, bathroom utilities expert and food editor of the Pest tests a new de-odorizer that puts matches and candles to shame
Fad diets extremely harmful and users will die sooner or later Shocking discoveries a warning to us all

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